Day 83 one more week

Day 83 of 90.

Hard to believe that I have only one week left on this 90 day journey. I had two shows tonight and I am truly exhausted. I'm sorry this isn't much but it's 3:15 am and my brain is fried. I have green glitter all over myself and my head itches from my wig cap. I ate a tuna sandwich special and salad for dinner at the second venue and it was delish! I don't know what the scale will say in the morning but whatever it is I will face it with reality.

Day 82

Day 82 of 90

Today was long. radio work, rehearsals, lessons and a show. Very arduous but rewarding. I had a great beginning day with juice and veggies most of the day. After the show I made a bad choice. Falafal from the guy on the corner. "It's after a show" I said it as if it made it some sort of unicorn magic hour where calories don't matter. But I know they do. My lips are swollen up and have some kind of rash on them from it too. Onions? I don't know.

It's Halloween weekend and I will have 3 more shows before it's over. 3 more "after the show's" to make it right.

I'm down with that...

Day 81 Feeling better

Day 81 of 90

I am feeling better these days. Making better choices helps. I've been dying to get on the scale and see if I've lost any weight yet. Those two lbs really screwed me up. It was as if I wanted to fail. Every week I was losing weight and every week I felt surprised by it. That is guilt. I have a saying I tell my students " you're only nervous when you aren't prepared" and it's the truth here.

I have always been aware that I am an emotional eater. A "numb me" eater but it never feels like it when I'm IN it. It never does. I am also an eater that freaks out about certain flavor sensation/combinations. Some foods literally induce almost orgasmic reactions and it feels so great it registers as sex in my mind. The same chemical occurances.

My juicing and green drink intake is getting stronger and I am really staying away from any caffeine or sugars. I know that this 90 days is just the beginning. I am far from the end of my journey and PROMISE to start writing again every day. My word is my bond and I refuse to break it.

Day 77 I gained two pounds!

day 77 of 90

192 lbs

I didn't lose any weight this week. I actually gained! I'm not surprised really. I have been incorporating way too many "regular foods" and it's showing me that I will NEVER be able to eat like I used to again. There are some foods that should not go in my mouth at all. I just can't resist overeating them because of the taste.

I bought some Trader Joe's Chicken tenders with panko bread crumbs and basically recreated a number 6 for myself. Hot sauce, warmed tenders and a hamburger bun with mayo and lettuce. It was amazingly delish however. I didn't feel sick AT ALL which is not good.

If my body is getting used to these type of foods then it's waaaaaay too comfortable with them. Before if I made a bad choice I would tell immediately. Blood when i pooped, achey joints etc but now it seems like how I used to live. These things are normal. This is just how I live, feel etc.

But it's not! I keep saying I'm going to get back to more juicing, more raw but I'm lying to myself. The same friend who I'd written about on Weds called me up yesterday feeling angry about her second week slow weight loss. (Just like I have felt so many times) and I was telling her how I'm still angry about all of this. i Don't want to be fat, I don't want to be addicted to food. I don't want to accept that I'm a "large person". I don't want to have sore joints, muscles and organs yet I keep making bad choices.

So many friends who I have inspired are losing weight quickly and enjoying life more. I feel fantastic about that but am so ashamed that I've let myself down.

This must be the plateau the place where I make or break it.... which will it be?

Day 73 Almost there!

Day 73 of 90

It's hard to believe that I am so close to the end of this 90 day journey. I've had such a crazy time figuring out what's going on with myself. I have inspired quite a few people who have begun their own weight loss journeys (mostly through WW) and some have surpassed me with their weight loss. This made me jealous. At first. Then I remembered that this is NOT a competition with anyone or anything except MY LIFE.

I started this journey because I wanted to reduce my risk of heart disease, diabetes, stroke and not die like my Father at 49 (just 5 years away). So far I've reduced my cholesterol to normal limits and am well on my way to having my trigl at a normal limit as well.

I've lost 24 lbs but still have a long way to go. I weigh 190. Another 53 lbs. My goal is 137. I've had some people say "OMG that's too low!" Really? Look at the chart: http://www.healthchecksystems.com/heightweightchart.htm

this says that at a large frame at 5'4 is 131-154. Granted i haven't weighed that since middle school!

I am positive that I will never be too thin. I do find it interesting that a lot of people seem to feel threatened by my loss. Are they afraid I'll be in better shape than them? Who knows. I do have one friend who said her goal weight was 193. She is a gorgeous lady who looks amazing and probably dresses better than most small women I know.

Like me, she has gained and lost over 500 lbs in her life and confided in me that on her wedding day she was at her heaviest. I admired her and thought to myself "there is a lady who has accepted her "weight fate." She then told me how she lost weight afterwards and felt great. She is since divorced and now has an amazing man in her life who has also struggled with his weight. They are an awesome couple and I love seeing them together. So loving, supportive and together in trying to make good food choices.

She has no idea how much her words of encouragement mean to me. I'm hoping that we can encourage each other to better people, performers and pinups!

Day 70 Weight 190 for a total of 24 lbs

Day 70 of 90

By losing one pound this week I've lost 24 lbs total. Once again I'm blown away that I've still lost weight with what I consumed. I believe all the travel, shows and great eating habits these past few days helped. There are so many factors in this game. It was fantastic t be traveling with people who eat so well and are so fit! I actually did so much more than what I usually do on stage physically and I am actually sore from it!

I am absolutely exhausted and am hoping that tonight I catch up on sleep. I've averaged about 5 hours a night the past 3 days and that is awful for me.

I feel good today. I feel like these last 3 weeks will be a gift to myself. I want to push myself and see if I can lower my triglycerides to a normal level. 70 points in the first 5 weeks. Can I do 82 in the last 7? I'm hoping to get to 180 by then as well. Is that too ambitious? 10 lbs in 20 days?

Day 67 Days in between

Day 67 of 90

*sigh* I have been at about %50 of my usual will power since Sunday. I am back on the coffee/sugar/bread train and not happy about it. I spoke to Stanzi about this last week she said "just don't do it. It's your mind that decides" and she's right. But I'm not following it. For the past week I've had one cup of coffee in the morning with non dairy creamer and sugar in the raw. This is the worst way I can start my day. NO lemon water, no juice, no food. Just anxiety and diabetic fodder.

Seriously? I am an idiot. Sorry people but I am. I KNOW this is wrong. I feel terrible. My stomach hurts, I've got blood when I go to the bathroom (welcome back colitis) and my joints ache. It's like the gym. The longer you stay away the harder it is to get back on track.

I know this is why I've not written. It;s not because I'm busy, or stressed or anything. I am ashamed. I've gotten some great emails trying to help, trying to calm me down, trying to relate. I am going on a mini tour this weekend and am excited the folks are health nuts who should make it easier.

At a show (Drag Queen Bingo) last week while I was on stage I realized that if I didn't go to the bathroom RIGHT THEN I'd have another park poop incident so I left the stage. The famous drag Queen who was hosting didn't miss a beat and thank God didn't call attention to me leaving with a line like "OH look, there goes Shelly leaving during the show, don;t worry, no one will notice." She is notoriously sassy and I felt a sigh of relief when i returned and in a whispered voice asked if I was ok. When I told her I almost crapped my pants she died laughing and continued the game.

This happens EVERY time I eat something not on my new lifestyle plan. %100 of the time. Yet, I choose to repeatedly injure myself.

I want people to invent a pill like the one they give alcoholics that makes them sick if they drink. I take a pill and when I eat unhealthy choices my body reacts badly.

Oh wait, it already does that!

Day 63 Unbelievable! I lost another lb 21 lbs total.

Day 63 of 90

I am stunned. I lost a pound. After this crazy overeating week I STILL lost weight. I want to thank Nancy for the email she sent me. I was literally asking for help and she responded with some very kind and motivational words. This blog is about me sharing the journey I'm on and I do need support. I do need kind words. I do need motivation and I feel bad asking the readers for help and comments but I need it.

My whole life I've been told how strong I am. How stoic, how forthright but honestly I am human. Weak, frail, vulnerable. Just like everyone else in the world. I've always felt that when I reach out to people during these times they turn away. Unaware that they are unable to comfort me because they feel strange seeing someone whom they normally view as unmovable being shaken.

I am a born leader. However, I need to follow sometimes as well..

Day 60 2/3rds of the way there!

Day 60 of 90

I am at it again. Skipping days. Losing momentum. Sucking basically. Tues I got in a HUGE fight with el husbando and then proceeded to have a binge of french fries soda and donuts. I'm sure you can guess the results. Late night vomiting and joint pain.

I am really tired of this crap. I have also had coffee the last 3 mornings. Making me dizzy, upset stomach and irritable. WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING THIS! Do I seriously hate myself that much to risk everything again? I'm on the slipperiest slope that ever sloped.

The cold fall air isn't helping. I am so weak right now. Help me.

Day 56 20 lbs lost What a week!

Day 56 of 90

Weight 194

Four day shave passed. 4. Since I last made an entry. A lot has gone on this week. Funerals, Festivals and food. I made some less than perfect choices with my food intake including at some points over the last 4 days, egg rolls, chocolate, coffee, sugar, chicken, shrimp and cheese. Not clean living I'd say. I was petrified that I'd gained and maybe i did but lost it again because I was 194.3 this morning. 4 away from the 180's.

The New York Burlesque Festival was this weekend and it was great to see so many people who I hadn't seen in awhile. A lot of people commented on how great I looked. I was beyond the moon because a very reputable musician and musical director at a great club here in NYC saw me perform and said he wanted to book me. This is a place where I've always wanted to audition for but was afraid of my weight. They are notorious for getting only slender ladies to perform (with the exception of the brilliant and bodacious legendary Dirty Martini) and he asked ME! I know it wasn't based on my looks but rather the awesome performance I gave and I felt awesome.

I am beyond excited to start planning on some music for the shows. From there I get my own show.... It's happening people.. it's happening...