*sigh* I have been at about %50 of my usual will power since Sunday. I am back on the coffee/sugar/bread train and not happy about it. I spoke to Stanzi about this last week she said "just don't do it. It's your mind that decides" and she's right. But I'm not following it. For the past week I've had one cup of coffee in the morning with non dairy creamer and sugar in the raw. This is the worst way I can start my day. NO lemon water, no juice, no food. Just anxiety and diabetic fodder.
Seriously? I am an idiot. Sorry people but I am. I KNOW this is wrong. I feel terrible. My stomach hurts, I've got blood when I go to the bathroom (welcome back colitis) and my joints ache. It's like the gym. The longer you stay away the harder it is to get back on track.
I know this is why I've not written. It;s not because I'm busy, or stressed or anything. I am ashamed. I've gotten some great emails trying to help, trying to calm me down, trying to relate. I am going on a mini tour this weekend and am excited the folks are health nuts who should make it easier.
At a show (Drag Queen Bingo) last week while I was on stage I realized that if I didn't go to the bathroom RIGHT THEN I'd have another park poop incident so I left the stage. The famous drag Queen who was hosting didn't miss a beat and thank God didn't call attention to me leaving with a line like "OH look, there goes Shelly leaving during the show, don;t worry, no one will notice." She is notoriously sassy and I felt a sigh of relief when i returned and in a whispered voice asked if I was ok. When I told her I almost crapped my pants she died laughing and continued the game.
This happens EVERY time I eat something not on my new lifestyle plan. %100 of the time. Yet, I choose to repeatedly injure myself.
I want people to invent a pill like the one they give alcoholics that makes them sick if they drink. I take a pill and when I eat unhealthy choices my body reacts badly.
Oh wait, it already does that!
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