Day 24 Weight Loss so far is 13 lbs

Day 24 of 90

I know it's early but I weighed myself as soon as I got up. I lost 3 lbs. I'm happy because I'm consistently losing but I really wanted to be under 200 lbs. I can see the 201. 4 oz. just starting at me. Is that 1.4 last night's bloating? Water retention? I'll never know. But I am going to focus on the fact that I still LOST weight even though I ate sushi last night. It wasn't the massive binge-and-barf-on-the-streets from last week but I still feel guilty. I feel like I've set this goal of raw/juicing for 90 days and I should be as disciplined as possible. This is about my health and I could feel the swelling in my joints, feet and elbows come back. Is this "paying for it?"

We hear that phrase with drinking but other food addicts will know what a food hangover is. I also call it "Happy Birthday Tummy." This is where you eat everything in sight because it's you're (or someone else's :-) Birthday?

I was also pretty edgy this morning and became enraged at a Time Warner "customer service." Not cool. No reason to get so cray-cray over something like $21.04 but the injustice meter in me goes off the charts

and I lose it. I can't stand it. Wouldn't even a Buddhist Monk want to Chuck Norris the shit outta somebody if they ever had to deal with a NYC TWC employee? I've come to accept the fact that NYC is the best place to get the worst service at ANYTHING. Whether buying a pair of socks, dealing with cable or going to a restaurant.

As I said and I have decided to weight myself on Sunday to go back to the once a week on the same day. I think I can lose that 1.4 lbs by then! I am also getting my first of the 3 monthly blood tests done next month. I'm excited to see where my numbers are now!

Day 23 Does my will power suck?

Day 23 of 90

Tomorrow I weigh myself. One full week from ending a maintained menu and on my own again so to speak. My in laws had their Amtrak train cancelled again so my MIL flew straight to Ga from here and my FIL leaves tomorrow. They'd left us $60 to take ourselves out to dinner for having everything served to them this week (my pleasure) but since the FIL stayed. He really wanted to eat in a restaurant... but where I could eat as well...(which are not close at all) so we decided to try this place called Otarian. It was vegetarian but there were no raw options and their salad bar was kind of nasty with only kale and beets. I thought if I was going to eat something non raw it would have to be something I REALLY love. So, I said I wanted sushi. And, I ate sushi. Boy did I eat sushi...

2 sashimi yellow tail

4 spicy tuna pieces

2 yellowtail pieces

3 yellowtail/tuna/avocado pieces

1/2 cup edmamme

soy sauce, ginger slivers and wasabi

Why did I eat it? Aren't I serious about this 90 day journey? How serious am I if once a week I have a meal that isn't completely raw or juiced? I think I probably had 1/2 cup rice total on the sushi and some of the rolls had "crunch" in them which I think are Panko crumbs. I don't want this to be a pattern. Please. Don't let it be a pattern. The sodium/salt from the soy sauce alone probably shocked my system. How will this affect my weight loss? Water retention? Calories?

I do not want to get sick. My stomach doesn't feel like immediately barfing like last Tues #6 incident but I feel so FULL. Bloated really. I'd begun to feel less puffy (or marshmallowy as my sister said) but right now I feel kind of gross. And fat. I used to love this feeling but right now I feel weighted down. I can't really explain it. A better choice would have just been the seaweed and fish. But I don't like the way that tastes! I like a super wasabi and soy mixture and dunking each piece...

I'd said I would be under 200 tomorrow. I am scared. I want to say that this upcoming week I'll be more strict. The first time was at the end of the 10 day LC program and this was night 7 of my first combo/week. This second "cheat" is a few days earlier only one week.

I think I will add a daily exercise regiment as well to spark things up...

Lemon Water

Morning Juice:

Carrots, cucumbers, spinach, kale, red pepper, lemon, ginger, 2 green apples

Green Drink

Lunch:

Spinach, romaine, carrots, pumpkin seeds, avocado and home made dressing

Dinner was named above...

Day 22 The Day After Irene

Day 22 of my journey

I woke up feeling especially hungry today. From actual hunger? Anxiety from what might have happened when I was asleep? Jealousy of knowing I'd be making some of my favorite foods and not ingesting them?

Last night el husbando and I stayed up late watching Irene out of our window and ZElda barfed grass up a few times so I was up and down. And not the fun kind :-) My in laws have been here since Weds and it's been great having them but difficult to maintain my daily routines.

I have loved cooking big meals all week. It's strange but it's almost like eating it. I know that must sound stupid but spending so much time around it, smelling it and preparing it just does something for me. I guess it's food porn? Yes. I like that. But I know it's a slippery slope. I make something for me to eat but I keep my eyes on their plates, their forks so as to trick my brain into thinking that is what I'm actually consuming and not shredded Zucchini and spinach. I feel like when e.h and in-laws go out I could secretly eat and no one would know! Except me. I would know. I'll admit I've wanted to just slice off a SLIVER of cheese cake but I'm terrified. I don't want to make a less than healthy decision. It's not like I won't ever east cheesecake again just not now. Not TODAY.

I peed on the alkaline strip and I am completely dark blue. That felt good. Stanzi has been very supportive of me and I am so thankful for having her guidance. Living alkaline. Awesome

Today is Sunday and the day I used to weigh myself so I feel a bit obsessed about it right now. I think I will weigh myself on tues and then start up the weekly on Day 30.

Menu (all raw and/or juice)

breakfast juice:

Large bunch kale, celery, spinach, lemon, parsley, ginger and 1 apple

Lunch: Zucchini strips and spinach with dressing of Dates, lemon, olive oil and himalayn salt

Dinner: black beans,tomatoes, romaine, avocado, onion and carrots

Juice of kale, cucumber, lemon and apple

Day 21 3 full weeks! Suck it Irene!

Day 21 of 90

Hard to believe that today is 3 weeks I've been on my journey. I am not weighing myself because I weighed myself last Tues on Day 10 of Stanzi's Lusciously Clean Program and I want to go by the proper weeks from weight dates.

This night is supposed to be an historical one because of Hurricane Irene. Every store is closed in our neighborhood. No buses or train are running and hardly any cabs are out. It is an extremely unusual sight and feeling. We're on the top of a slope so to speak and across from the hospital and evacuation center. I wonder how many people are there right now?

My in laws are here and will be here longer than expected because of cancelled travel plans. I've been cooking for everyone and really enjoying it. I caught myself licking my fingers and wondered if that would affect me? I didn't even realize I was doing it. But every crumb, lick, slurp and taste adds up. It also makes temptation where there doesn't need to be.

I went to the market and stocked up for a few days and am hoping that things will be simmered down by tomorrow night.

Breakfast Juice:

Broccoli, apple, kale, spinach, celery, lemon , ginger, sprouts

Lunch salad avocado, spinach, pumpkin seeds, romaine, corn, red leaf

dressing of blended dates, olive oil, lemon and Himalayan salt

Dinner cauliflower curry soup

Green drink and lemon water

Day 20 Food=Fear

Day 20 of my journey

As many of you know NYC is on a severe hurricane watch. We're told to go out and buy water, nonperishable foods and batteries. I began to panic thinking about how I'd get my fresh veggies so I could juice! I thought to myself well if I HAVE to eat non fresh it's because nature made it so. Then I began thinking about people all over the world who live in this state DAILY. NO access to fresh produce, ever. And, if they do it's extremely pricey.

I began to feel blessed. Blessed that I have a choice to put the right things in my mouth and not have to eat just one bowl of rice and maybe a potato or tomato when I can. Blessed be the bountiful amount available to me on every corner. Apples, oranges, avocados, kale, carrots, you name it.

I become afraid of other "foods" burgers, pizza, bagels, crackers.. all the social tasty foods. Fear that it will poison my body. Fear that it will make me fat(ter). BUt mostly the fear that they will always have a hold over me.

I've decided to start listing everything that I'm eating so people can see just how much effort I'm putting into this life altering change.

Breakfast Juice

2 carrots, 1 apple,1 cup spinach, broccoli, 5 kale leaves, ginger, lemon, cucumber, fennel and sunflower sprouts

Lunch

Kale, spinach, romaine, pumpkin seeds, sprouts, 1/2 avocado and dressing made from almond butter, lemon, peppers and lemon juice

Dinner

Carrot/ginger soup made with sea salt, avocado, ginger and carrots (served cold)

In between are "Green Drinks" which are vegetable powder superfood drinks (will be doing reviews soon) as well as lemon water in the morning and evening. Sometimes I'll have a second juice if I'm particularly hungry or tired.

Day 19 WheW

Hey everybody.

I didn't write yesterday because I was still recovering from the day before. I can't talk about how thankful I am for your support. I was devastated and really needed to realign myself with what's important and that is feeling healthy and getting healthy. This is a new way of life. NOT a crash diet. I will make mistakes. I will fall off the wagon. And, it's o.k.

I have a disease. A disorder. An addiction and I need help. I am not afraid to ask. I am not afraid to admit it. However I am ashamed. Ashamed that things got so out of control. Ashamed that I denied the truth about my body. BUt mostly ashamed that I waited so long.

I did a show last night and a few of the girls said they noticed my body and face changing already. It felt good. It gave me inspiration. It also made me a bit embarrassed because they did notice. As if they didn't want to acknowledge how big I was before. I know this is my perception. My projection.

I went right back on track yesterday and feel good about the choices I've made yesterday and today and that's enough for me.

Day 17 WARNING: This is some personal stuff.

Day 17 of journey

Day 10 of Lusciously Clean

I recorded a video for today's entry. It is some serious shit I'm dealing with. Just a warning for those who like things breezy and positive. If you're looking for light hearted fare this entry ain't it. The video is 7 minutes and has some curse words. Also if you're grossed out by fat flesh look away. Please be respectful with any comments.

Day 17 I'm upset. Total 10 lbs lost.

Day 17 journey

Day 10 Lusciously Clean

I now weigh 204.6

I know I usually write in the evening but I am very upset this morning. I weighed myself and I am only down 3 lbs in the 10 days on Stanzi's program. I know I said I would try and not be upset but I can't help it. I know 3 lbs is ok. BUt in 10 days?!? I lost 7 in a week from just juicing! I had a feeling that my weight loss would be slower but it is less than 1/2 of what I did "on my own".

I know the food is healthy. I know you're supposed to lose weight slowly if you want to keep it off but I'm pissed. I feel like I could eat one crappy meal a day with whatever I wanted and still lose the same amount. It is supremely frustrating. I know I've said my health is the reason why I'm making this change but the weight loss is something I can see from the outside and the blood tests are what show me the inside.

Am I lying to myself? Is it just about weight loss? Why else am I SO angry?

I promise myself that in one week I WILL be out of the 200's.

Day 16 14 Carrot Gold

Day 16 of my journey

Day 9 of Lusciously Clean

Today was an interesting day. I desperately wanted to weigh myself but am waiting until tomorrow. I am trying not to be worried about it but it's hard. The in laws are coming in for 5 days on Weds and I'm trying to plan for cooking for them quite a few meals. "Regular" food as well as some of the recipes I've learned. It's always strange to have to bring it up when meal time arises with people. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to. I don't really because I can't hide my body size. Not everyone who drinks "looks like" an alcoholic. But over eaters can't hide it. I'm not talking bulimics or anorexics who use their disease to help hide their food abuse. Fat folks bodies don't lie! Heaping portions of Cracker Barrel goodness. Sedentary lifestyles with wide screen TV's and a stack of delivery menus. The American dream for so many.

I've decided to go in for a series of colonics as well to really root out some stuff! I spoke a bit about it yesterday but have made the decision to go for it.

Fall is right around the corner and I'm already thinking of how much more expensive juicing and eating raw will be when food seasons change. And how my body might be craving cooked foods. I'm coming up to the 3rd week mark and still feel like I'm just beginning. It took me awhile to get this unhealthy. It's going to take awhile to get it back.

I spoke with Stanzi today about where to go after I finish her 10 day program...

Day 15 Orange you glad you're sticking this out?

Day 15 on journey

Day 8 on Lusciously Clean

It's hard to believe I've past the two week mark! I was going to weigh myself today but wanted to wait until Day 10 of Stanzi's program to see what weight I've lost eating such delicious food. I'm a little nervous as I'd said before but this is NOT just about weight loss. It's about taking charge of my health. On many many levels. My blood pressure, cholesterol, colitis, arthritis and everything else needs to be checked.

I'm amazed at how much mental work and homework is involved in Stanzi's 10 day venture. A lot of the stuff is just what I've needed. Deep inquiries about why I eat, when I eat etc. I've been in therapy off and on for 20 years and have never had a focus on my food issues. BUt I always dreamed of a "therapists Island" where there is a therapist for each crazy part about you and you go there to get daily 5 hr therapy sessions, 2 hr massages, 2 hrs yoga and eat clean for two full weeks. For some a night mare. For me a blessing.

I am beginning to imagine what my life will be like when I'm healthy. I like what see.

Day 14 You beet me to it

day 14 on my journey

Day 7 on Lusciously Clean

Today was a good day. I was able to sleep in and after I woke up I took my little monkey doodle (my boston terrier) on a 2 hr walk in the park. It was great to get out in the day and feel the sun on my skin. Albeit hot and sweaty skin. I will be weighing myself tomorrow and am a little nervous that I haven't lost any weight. I have been eating so much (healthy recipes) and everything has been so delish that I can't imagine it's done anything for my weight. I know that's silly but that's the way I feel. I've always been afraid of avocados because you hear how they're high in calories but I've been having roughly one whole one a day. Sometimes two if recipes call for it. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

I have been thinking about meat a lot today. Especially chicken breast. Grilled chicken breast. Shredded chicken breast. Fried chicken breast. I don't know if it's because my taste buds are craving them or I am? Stanzi mentioned cravings would be persistent and I have to agree. I wonder if I'll eat it again? Or bread? Or cheese? Man some apricot stliton and waverly crackers sounds so good! How do we know what is right for us to eat? Do we ignore any desire for taste and just go for nutritional value? I obviously have a long way to go.

I've gotten some feedback about the audio of my videos and hope that I have rectified the problem. I've turned my mic up. Let me know if this one is any better...

Day 13 Lettuce bow our heads...

Day 13 of journey

Day 6 of Lusciously clean

What a day. It was the first day I'd gone to the studio (to record my radio segment Hip Hopera) in two weeks. The last time I was there I'd brought in leftover cupcakes from my Birthday party. It was amazing to me how many people said no. I remember thinking "Who doesn't like cupcakes?" It wasn't until today that I'd realized that a lot of people make an effort to stay trim. I don't think I've ever said no to a cupcake in my life! Unless it was Magnolias. I abhor buttercream frosting. If I wanted to have two pats of butter as icing I would! Blechhh

anyway... as I said it didn't register until tonight that some folks just say no.

I had a show at Coney Island tonight and fortunately there was a downpour so all the food stands were closed and I didn't have to pass that gastrointestinal gauntlet on my way to the theater! I brought my own food but deep down I was thinking Nathan's. Oh you don't know them? Um, only the world's greatest hot dogs and where the World Championship eating contest is held every 4th of July. Yes there are people who get paid to gorge themselves! It is hard to go to Coney and not get a dog there. I have a fellow performer friend who'd gone after I left and I joked that I wished I could smell her breathe.

The show was great and I felt fulfilled. I'd written a song for another performer and she nailed it. I like being successful. It feels great. On that note...

Day 12 Eat Sleep Repeat

Day 12 of journey

Day 5 of Lusciously Clean.

Today was a pretty good day. My husband appears to finally be coming out of the woods with his illness which is fantastic. I'm getting into the routine of waking up and having a juice right after my morning lemon water. It's a ritual that feels like I'm making coffee but it tastes a helluva lot different. Not better or worse, just different.

Today was a teaching day for me and it's always inspiring. It also reminds me that I need to make more of a concentrated effort on myself to achieve life goals I've always had. How the f is it that I'm not on Broadway yet? Um, because I don't audition that's why. There is a saying; "You will miss %100 of the opportunities you don't take" It is so true. I've used my weight as an excuse for the past 5 years. "Who will I play? The fat neighbor? The old lady? The hooker with a heart of gold?" I know i am so much more than that but my physical body reads otherwise. I want to do more, sing more, BE more.

I'm trying to follow Stanzi's menu plan as closely as possible and I honestly can't wait to try some of the recipes with some friends. It's awesome to know that I can make my own dressing which tastes waaaaay better than most store bought!

I have to admit something. I had a little bit of a binge tonight. I ate an apple with almond butter. A LOT of almond butter. Perhaps 1/2 a cup! I know that isn't a lot so before you jump on my ass for being cray cray over something "healthy" one of the things I do is binge eat. Whether it's apples or chicken wings! Tonight was the first night in the 11 days that I felt I lost control. I wanted to continue to eat. But unlike times before my stomach literally could not take it so I had to stop. Let me make myself clear. I did not want to stop! I wanted to eat and eat and eat. Filling a void as so many would say but I haven't figured out what that void is. I have so much and am grateful for everything that I can't seem to even allow myself to think I;d have something to feel a void over. Does that make sense?

I need to head off to sleep now. Speaking of...

Day 11 Now is the edge that "needs to be taken off"

Day 10 or journey

Day 4 of LC

Tonight is the second time I'm posting after midnight. It's almost 2 am now. I just got home from doing a show at Coney Island. An Elvis tribute show. It was a great evening but I was a bit distracted. All day long I've been pissy, angry, bitter and resentful. I am really struggling with this process. I want to eat meat. I want a piece of cheese. I want a cappuccino with a warm croissant. I KNOW I can have whatever I want. But at a price.

This is very, very hard. When I stop to think of how much I quit at once it blows me away. I love every delicious recipe Stanzi has given me but feeling satisfaction from fruits, veggies is something I don't understand yet. Nor does my body. I never believed before how "you know man, like they put chemicals into fast food man and other products so, you like, crave them more man and become addicted to those flavor sensations". That voice sounded a little hippie-ish. Hmm. Sarcasm as a way of expressing anger? Could be.

I know %100 that it is in my minds power to know what's right but when you're body craves something over your mind, it's, well, it's like a drug. I spoke to Stanzi on the phone today and basically broke down. Doing the whole "why me" thing. Why me? Because I had terrible food influences as a child. Because I've tried every diet there is. (Atkins was my favorite! Pork rind nachos anyone?) Because I always want "Happy Birthday Tummy" (you know that excitement from getting to have chips, soda, cake and whatever else was served up as party food and you left slight belly ache but remembering all the wonderful things you ate!) Because , because because. Who gives a shit? I ask myself. It is what it is. Quit acting like a pussy and suck it up! Strange how that word is slang for weak since women give birth from them and that some powerful stuff right there... Anyway..

I wanted to put a video up tonight but I am too tired from a very long day and a little sad too.

I fight between what's right for me and what feels good. But then again, don't we all?

Day 10 BREATHE

Day 10 of 90 and day 3 of 10 on "Lusciously Clean".

I get an email every day with a positive message and tip and today's was "Breathe". She gave me a few exercises as well as a general reminder to breathe when I eat. What a concept. I hardly ever think let alone breathe when I eat. I'm too busy FEELING. Feeling joy, feeling content, feeling sad that what I've eaten is gone.

I wasn't able to eat everything today that was on the meal plan as I felt a little nauseous. I don't know if it's because my husband is still suffering from food poisoning or what but I felt out of it and gross inside most of the day. I'm definitely eliminating a lot. I also noticed that my knees and toe joints get randomly painful. Is this a way of working out toxins? My hips aren't as achey and my colitis has been smooth sailing.

Sleep in unbelievable now. I want so much of it but honestly I feel better in the morning than I did when I drank coffee (6 cups a day!) when I awoke.

Riding around on my bike today there were so many temptations. On every corner. Alcoholics must see how easily available booze is because I know I see it with food. Signs. Trucks with signs. Restaurant front, food carts, people walking by with slices of pizza dripping down their arms. The only kind of food consumption I get grossed out by is either someone really overweight chowing (and I mean CHOWing down) on food that drops all over themselves or kids. That's right. Kids are disgusting when they eat! Of course babies can't help themselves but slobbery zwieback cookies are the WORST! I also want to vomit when a Mom then takes the food/cookie from said baby/toddler and then eats it herself! Gross. I have no children so I guess I have no clue but I think picking your kids nose is more tolerable than eating their nasty drooly cookies.

I wanted to talk a little about one of Stanzi's Daily tips... hear it is...

Day 9: Peeing on a strip of paper

Today was a curious day.

Day 9 of my journey and day 2 of my program "Lusciously Clean 10 Day Detox"

It was the first day since I gave up EVERYTHING that I've had such outrageous flavors!

It sounds strange to me to say this but I swear every single thing I've had on Stanzi's 10 day program "Lusciously Clean " menu has been insanely tasty and I think I honestly wanted them to be crappy so I'd have a reason to rebel against it. It was freaking delish! Eating raw is exciting! Well, it's more exciting than only juicing. Wait that sounded snarky and I didn't mean for it to be. It's just that my mind is still thinking about that damn #6!!

I had a chocolate flavored "superfood green drink" and I think that might have triggered that "let's eat a lot just because that stuff is tasty!" sensation in me. Stanzi told me that if I'm craving fat eat some. Just healthy fat. "Fat doesn't make you fat" she said but my mind doesn't want to accept that and it almost sounded a bit like "guns don't kill people, people kill people" but I have to admit that my brain patterns around food are warped.

As of today I want fat fat. Like french fries or corn chips and cheese. Will my brain ever switch over permanently to wanting only healthy choices? That would rock!

The "soups" are actually cold because they're raw. I had one today that was super yummy but my brain kept saying "I'm sorry tomato/basil flavors are hot, wtf is this?" a savory smoothie as it were. It's the same way if someone offered me a hot lemonade. No wait, they have that don't they? With whiskey or something? Anyway... I guess a cold hot chocolate. No, that's delicious too! Acck. Let's just say it's a strange feeling to eat savory cold. Unless of course it's cold pizza...

I found out why Stanzi had wanted me to get the Blood ph levels from my doctor although he'd said in his opinion they weren't necessary. It's all about the balance of cells. Check it out...

7 lbs in 7 days of Juicing Day and 1 Vitality Ventures Cleanse

Well today was the 8th day of my journey.

I weighed myself this morning. 207. I've lost 7lbs in 7 days. Incredible!

I feel like I'm on the Biggest Loser or something! It's nice to have something that I can SEE is making me healthier. I'm taking the blood tests every month but that's four weeks apart. I can't stress enough that this is about my journey to become healthy inside and losing the weight is a by product. A great one, but nonetheless secondary as the motivation to change my food intake process.

I was very happy to start Stanzi's 10 day plan today because I can actually eat the vegetables and not just juice them. That must be why today was a rough. I experienced headaches, nausea and lots of evacuation but no barfing which is awesome! I am surprised at how I am having phantom cramping. My period isn't due anytime soon but I feel rumblings in mah lady parts! I can't tell if it's my bladder working overtime from all the water and peeing but those parts are painful. My face is breaking out even worse now and I have developed a rash on my jawline. I don't feel pretty at all.

We had a dinner long scheduled date with friends who are meat lovers and great cooks. After a few email rounds of "what can you eat?" we settled on the fact that I would be bringing my own food and they'd make what they'd originally planned for el husbando and I. They made a delicious lemon scampi as an app and scrumptious lamb sliders with home made yogurt sauce and grilled veggies. Dessert was a lemon bundt cake with home made blueberry ice cream! I honestly can say that I didn't feel deprived at all. The food looked amazing but somehow in my mind I knew that I'd be able to eat that way again at some point in my life. Just not tonight. They were gracious and we had a fantastic evening of good conversation and great stories.

It's unusual for folks to have an adult conversation about food addictions in such a casual manner but it can be done. With honesty. It's only shameful if you hide. For so many things in life!

It's been one week

What a day! So much information. Stanzi came over today and unveiled her program for me. It starts with a 10 day detox menu containing some things that I've not had this past week at all. Like almond butter. All raw foods. She informed me that by giving up EVERYTHING at once it sent my body into extreme shock. That 's why the vomiting, vertigo, diarrhea and fatigue hit me so quickly.

It's shocking how fast the body goes into action isn't it? It almost seems "too good to be true" and you know what they say about that. But this seems different for some reason. Hippocrates said "If we could give every individual the right amount of nourishment and exercise, not too little and not too much, we would have found the safest way to health." I think by wiping my slate clean I can finally see what is right for me in the "real world". I know I'm on somewhat of a high right now because I'm completing my first week. It's new, fresh, the beginning.

Since I'll only be doing be my blood tests every month I'm excited to see results on the scale. I haven't weighed myself since last week. I am not doing this to lose weight exclusively but INclusively. Inclusive of working on my psychological issues with food like why do I become furious that my husband (men) can eat more servings than me? It seems an injustice. Yet another thing women have to deal with versus men. Not that food issues are sexist mind you, not at all, there are plenty of pot bellies on men! But those we know are worshipped. Santa, Buddha and let's not forget Homer Simpson. You get the point. I've always been mad that they have a resident fat guy on SNL every season but they've never had a fat woman. EVER.

Stanzi came and went through the kitchen pointing out good choices and not so good choices of "food" we currently had in the cupboards. El husbando isn't following this program with me so we kept everything and most of the stuff was high in sodium but pretty good otherwise. I can't believe I haven't had salt in a week! Or sugar. Or flour. Or Dairy. Or meat. Just fresh fruits and vegetables and mostly juicing.

The next 10 days will be to adjust the alkaline in my body (thus the PH strips Stanzi asked me about) and I'll be doing a 70/30 raw food/juicing. Stanzi informed me that this is important to get the body in balance. High acids make it harder for the body to process things and it causes the organs to store bad cells etc... The juicing and raw foods provide the micro nutrients for speedy healing. Having more fiber by eating more of the raw foods will help flush out my colon (see ya later polyps!) and make the juicing after the 10 Day program easier on my body.

Tomorrow will mark the second week of my journey and I've a lot planned. I will be doing a daily 2 minute video about my experience as a thank you for Stanzi's help and as a testimonial of the 10 day program. I'll make choices for the next step when we get closer.

I have another show tonight and it's a late one. I've been sleeping 8-10 hrs a day. Not drinking coffee removes that quick pick me up before a late night. So does not doing lines of cocaine but one clearly seems a bit more drastic doesn't it.

This sucks

*sigh* Today was a very hard day. I wanted something to eat EAT badly. Every sandwich, pizza slice and bagel I saw today made me angry. Every healthy person laughing and snacking I wanted to smack the shit out of them. Why the hell does MY life have to be ruined by food?!? Why couldn't I have been one of those people who said "I feel gross when I eat too much" or "I hate eating in the summer, it's too hot." I can eat hot food on a hot day no problem. And no matter the weather I love feeling stuffed! It's safe, warm, nurturing and loving. Only people who abuse food know this love hate relationship because it can also make you feel disgusting, weak and depressed.

I'm not dreaming that my husband is cheating on me with another woman with sex but that he's having a 6 course meal with some brunette. They order appetizers.. is it fried calamari? Mozzarella sticks? Main course is steak and lobster in butter.. creamed spinach, and well done baked potato, loaded of course! Wait, is that a bowl of alfredo sauce and bread sticks from Olive Garden?! O sweet baby Jesus that looks delicious. I'm more jealous now that some woman might be able to eat with my husband than try and sleep with him.

I knew this wouldn't be easy but I am feeling it in so many ways. My stomach is beginning to growl. My mind is beginning to wander and my body in general is trying to rebel. Thank god Stanzi is coming over tomorrow and revealing her 10 day plan for me. I really need some structure with this process.

I'm finding that I'm trying to "sneak in" more fruits. I ate a whole mango today as well as 2 cups of cherries and 2 cups of blueberries in addition to my vegetable juices. Is this my sugar dependancy? My desire to consume a lot? It sounds crazy but I really like the feeling of actually shoving food in my mouth. Movie popcorn is a great example. This is a food that is publicly okayed to shovel in your gullet. I'm grossed out watching others do it but I enjoy it myself. Kind of like picking your nose.

Tonight was the first night I performed since I started this journey. I felt a little spacey honestly. Most of the people performing knew what I was doing and wished me luck. I accepted that wish. Although I think it's going to take a lot more than luck.

Go-Go Groceries!

I just got back from the market. Living green can be insanely expensive but fortunately I live close to Stiles Market(s) and they have shockingly low prices. Mangoes for a buck! Bunches of celery $1! avocados $1.50!! This will last me about 2 1/2 days.

For everything I bought I paid $39.45. Saturday night, when Stanzi comes, I will get a meal plan. We'll shop for those items that afternoon.

I know it looks great but I'd be lying if I didn't say I'd MUCH rather be having a #6 right now! What's that you ask? Oh, only the best freaking fast food ever! It's at Wendy's. Spicy chicken sandwich, large fry and Dr pepper no ice (so I can get more soda and just use ice at home :-) I swear I'd punch a kitten right now for one of those! Ok PETA I really wouldn't but got-damn! That or a fat ass plate of nachos with extra cheese and ground beef!

I got my blood tests back. My cholesterol is 207. Just last year it was 358!! Lots of #6's to get that high. I know the juicing I've been doing this week has flushed out a lot of it that's for sure and I expect my level to go waaaaaaay down from here. However my triglycerides are at 309 and should be below 150. Ouch and my HDL is 43 when it should be greater than 46. I also have a huge Vitamin D deficiency. I will be taking blood tests every month just to see the changes in my body chemistry.

Dr M asked me if I read his materials on losing weight and I told him I didn't think eating like I resided in a 3rd world country would be very healthy for me since the article had said "some people get two cups of rice a day and maybe a potato, tomato or fish twice a week."

Part of my food addiction comes from living that way as a child. Sometimes not knowing when or what the next meal would be. Would it be a case of grapes that Mom "found" outside the grocery store? Would I have time to stuff cookies in my mouth at a friends house while her family wasn't looking? Would my Dad have brought another new woman home and we'd get to eat whenever she felt like cooking? I read Jeanette Wall's book The Glass Castle. I felt like in someways it was my story. Especially when it came to the food experiences.

I have fallen in love with eating half an avocado with course ground pepper and lime juice.. omg so delish! Also el husbando brought home a pint of Cinna-Buns ice cream and I wanted some so bad! I sliced open the top 1/3 of a mango and ate it with a tiny spoon. When I was scraping the sides I think I tricked my brain into thinking it was scraping up and turning over the last chocolately ball of NY Super Fudge Chunk...

My hips ache and my feet are swollen today. Another reminder as to why I need to get healthy. I understand that aches and pains come with aging but I think a lot of the food choices I was making only increased my symptoms. I can't wait to wear my engagement ring again when my hands don't swell up and are smaller in general.

My face is unbelievably broken out! I've never had acne this bad, even as a teenager! All of this cleaning of the body makes a person smelly, irritable, achy and now pizza face. Pizza yuuuuuum. Crap.

Here we go again!

I'd blogged awhile back about the 90 YOGA classes in 90 days and it was awesome to share that experience so I'm back at it to share what's up with me now.

I bought a juicer 5 days ago and just started blindly doing a juice fast after watching a documentary about how this guy cleansed himself of his bodily diseases through phenomenally nutritious food and I wanted in because I want out of any more surgeries, infections, arthritis, feet, back, skin and organ problems from the extra weight I carry.

I don't know many women who would say their weight in public. I know plenty of "fat empowered" men and women who say they are "taking back prejudice against fat" but as a fat person I know it just seems futile to try and change. I can guarantee when they're alone and their feet are swollen so bad they can't walk or they have to lift their stomachs to shave their pubes, they ain't happy. I'm not saying fat can't be beautiful it's just very unhealthy.

I am 5'4 and I weigh 214 lbs. I wear a size 18. I only wear leggings because I can't stand to think of buying actual pants that size (and they fit horribly) and I hate having anything constricting. I can't believe I typed that "out loud" Not so much for myself but for el husbando. He's committed to me, loves me and supports me even though I've gained over 60 lbs in the seven years we've been together. That's about 10 pounds per year or roughly 1.2 lbs a month. I know he didn't sign up for that and I want to be a hot wife and healthy partner.

I also wonder what the male contingents of his friends might think in their heads if they were to find this blog and pictures? The dialogue I make up in my head is pretty bad and I would hate for my husband to be looked at differently because he has "a fat wife." He looks at models all day long at work and still wants to get with this. Amazing. I know what I am, who I am and how awesome I am but knowing that I made choices to be like this is really hard to swallow. Punny.

As a performer I really know how to dress up and present myself well. Lots of cleavage, wide belts, high hair and heels hides a lot! I'm not quite saying it's "like dressing up a turd" (wait, is that even the phrase? I know there's something about shit and making it look nice.. anyway..) but you get the picture. I am extremely confident. Except when I'm naked.

I'm owning up to PHYSICAL reality. Not what I camouflage with charm, kindness, creativity, fashion sense, sass and talent. I know what the food I've abused has done to my body. I look pretty damn good when I want to on the outside but my insides are sick. I had 11 polyps removed two years ago and 13 polyps this year. I'm going for none next year.

What am I doing? A few things... Until Sunday, I'm doing my own juicing thing. On Sunday I am embarking on a cleanse that my friend and certified holistic practitioner has derived that lasts 10 days. I will then do 75 days of juicing and raw foods. After all is said and done it will have been 90 days or 3 months. All under the supervision of Stanzi (Consuela,Connie in the diary).

I write in a journal most nights and this is what I wrote before I started this blog. It may give some insight.

8/6/11

El Husbando and I bought a juicer today. We watched the documentary "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead". A guy reversed his bad health in 3 months! I know I need to get it together. I weigh 214 lbs and I can't believe it. I don't want to die like Daddy at 49 that's for sure! We went out and bought a TON of fruit and vegetables to juice. Kale, carrots, oranges, mangos, spinach, celery, cucumbers, tomatoes, parsley, cilantro, beets etc...We juiced all day but I had taken out a pork tenderloin two nights before and it need to be cooked or it would go bad. So, I ate some pork tenderloin and tortillas and it was unbelievably delicious! I want to really try and do this juice thing so tomorrow I will do nothing but juice!

8/7/11

Today absolutely sucked ass. I had a vertigo attack! It's been over 10 years. I have no idea if it's this fucked up juice thing I'm doing but I feel absolutely HORRIBLE! Thank God husbando was here. It felt strange because it's been so long since I had one and I was terrified. Insane room spinning dizziness followed by massive retching and of course pissed myself while gagging. WTF? The guy in the movie did say that he felt gross the first few days but like THIS? I know I said I wanted to get healthy but why does what supposed to feel good make me feel like shit?

8/8/11

I had NO idea how hard this would be. I have an absolute splitting headache, extremely dizzy and am still totally nauseous. I'm exhausted and emotional. It's only been two days! Nothing but fresh fruits and vegetables juiced. I called Consuela. She'd asked me awhile back if I wanted help. I know she's all holistic and so healthy herself and it's clear I need some guidance. I have been looking on the internet at some videos of juicers and some recipes but I need more. I'm going to see her tomorrow. I also made an appt to get a checkup with Dr. M. for blood tests. Consuela asked me to get a ph test. What the hell is that? Ok, I'm going to sleep. I'm so tired. And I smell falafel.

8/9/11

I saw Dr. M this morning. He took my blood but said drawing PH was difficult and not necessary. He also gave me a pamphlet about learning how to eat "like a third world person to loose weight". He didn't get that I don't just want to lose weight. I've done that before! I want to get healthy! Speaking of, I met Connie today. She lives in an awesome place! The train station was where they filmed "Hello Dolly"! It took about an hour to get there by train. I felt like crap the whole morning and slept the way up and back. We talked a lot about how I should go about this. She said that the guy in that doc we saw went on a raw food diet for two weeks before the juicing just to give his body a chance to adjust from burgers to juice. I gave up coffee, sugar, flour, dairy, breads, pastas, meat and just about everything because I don't want diabetes and I don't want to die like Daddy at 49. That's 5 years away... We talked about doing this for 3 months. I'm too tired to write about it all now and I decided I'm going to blog about it like I did my YOGA blog. That was 90 days too.. weird. Husbando is telling me to turn off the light so I won't be writing about this in you anymore but online. I'm sure I could print out the blog and put inside you. That would work. That sounded weird. Damn. I'm tired. And I feel shitty.