Day 11 Now is the edge that "needs to be taken off"

Day 10 or journey

Day 4 of LC

Tonight is the second time I'm posting after midnight. It's almost 2 am now. I just got home from doing a show at Coney Island. An Elvis tribute show. It was a great evening but I was a bit distracted. All day long I've been pissy, angry, bitter and resentful. I am really struggling with this process. I want to eat meat. I want a piece of cheese. I want a cappuccino with a warm croissant. I KNOW I can have whatever I want. But at a price.

This is very, very hard. When I stop to think of how much I quit at once it blows me away. I love every delicious recipe Stanzi has given me but feeling satisfaction from fruits, veggies is something I don't understand yet. Nor does my body. I never believed before how "you know man, like they put chemicals into fast food man and other products so, you like, crave them more man and become addicted to those flavor sensations". That voice sounded a little hippie-ish. Hmm. Sarcasm as a way of expressing anger? Could be.

I know %100 that it is in my minds power to know what's right but when you're body craves something over your mind, it's, well, it's like a drug. I spoke to Stanzi on the phone today and basically broke down. Doing the whole "why me" thing. Why me? Because I had terrible food influences as a child. Because I've tried every diet there is. (Atkins was my favorite! Pork rind nachos anyone?) Because I always want "Happy Birthday Tummy" (you know that excitement from getting to have chips, soda, cake and whatever else was served up as party food and you left slight belly ache but remembering all the wonderful things you ate!) Because , because because. Who gives a shit? I ask myself. It is what it is. Quit acting like a pussy and suck it up! Strange how that word is slang for weak since women give birth from them and that some powerful stuff right there... Anyway..

I wanted to put a video up tonight but I am too tired from a very long day and a little sad too.

I fight between what's right for me and what feels good. But then again, don't we all?