Here we go again!

I'd blogged awhile back about the 90 YOGA classes in 90 days and it was awesome to share that experience so I'm back at it to share what's up with me now.

I bought a juicer 5 days ago and just started blindly doing a juice fast after watching a documentary about how this guy cleansed himself of his bodily diseases through phenomenally nutritious food and I wanted in because I want out of any more surgeries, infections, arthritis, feet, back, skin and organ problems from the extra weight I carry.

I don't know many women who would say their weight in public. I know plenty of "fat empowered" men and women who say they are "taking back prejudice against fat" but as a fat person I know it just seems futile to try and change. I can guarantee when they're alone and their feet are swollen so bad they can't walk or they have to lift their stomachs to shave their pubes, they ain't happy. I'm not saying fat can't be beautiful it's just very unhealthy.

I am 5'4 and I weigh 214 lbs. I wear a size 18. I only wear leggings because I can't stand to think of buying actual pants that size (and they fit horribly) and I hate having anything constricting. I can't believe I typed that "out loud" Not so much for myself but for el husbando. He's committed to me, loves me and supports me even though I've gained over 60 lbs in the seven years we've been together. That's about 10 pounds per year or roughly 1.2 lbs a month. I know he didn't sign up for that and I want to be a hot wife and healthy partner.

I also wonder what the male contingents of his friends might think in their heads if they were to find this blog and pictures? The dialogue I make up in my head is pretty bad and I would hate for my husband to be looked at differently because he has "a fat wife." He looks at models all day long at work and still wants to get with this. Amazing. I know what I am, who I am and how awesome I am but knowing that I made choices to be like this is really hard to swallow. Punny.

As a performer I really know how to dress up and present myself well. Lots of cleavage, wide belts, high hair and heels hides a lot! I'm not quite saying it's "like dressing up a turd" (wait, is that even the phrase? I know there's something about shit and making it look nice.. anyway..) but you get the picture. I am extremely confident. Except when I'm naked.

I'm owning up to PHYSICAL reality. Not what I camouflage with charm, kindness, creativity, fashion sense, sass and talent. I know what the food I've abused has done to my body. I look pretty damn good when I want to on the outside but my insides are sick. I had 11 polyps removed two years ago and 13 polyps this year. I'm going for none next year.

What am I doing? A few things... Until Sunday, I'm doing my own juicing thing. On Sunday I am embarking on a cleanse that my friend and certified holistic practitioner has derived that lasts 10 days. I will then do 75 days of juicing and raw foods. After all is said and done it will have been 90 days or 3 months. All under the supervision of Stanzi (Consuela,Connie in the diary).

I write in a journal most nights and this is what I wrote before I started this blog. It may give some insight.

8/6/11

El Husbando and I bought a juicer today. We watched the documentary "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead". A guy reversed his bad health in 3 months! I know I need to get it together. I weigh 214 lbs and I can't believe it. I don't want to die like Daddy at 49 that's for sure! We went out and bought a TON of fruit and vegetables to juice. Kale, carrots, oranges, mangos, spinach, celery, cucumbers, tomatoes, parsley, cilantro, beets etc...We juiced all day but I had taken out a pork tenderloin two nights before and it need to be cooked or it would go bad. So, I ate some pork tenderloin and tortillas and it was unbelievably delicious! I want to really try and do this juice thing so tomorrow I will do nothing but juice!

8/7/11

Today absolutely sucked ass. I had a vertigo attack! It's been over 10 years. I have no idea if it's this fucked up juice thing I'm doing but I feel absolutely HORRIBLE! Thank God husbando was here. It felt strange because it's been so long since I had one and I was terrified. Insane room spinning dizziness followed by massive retching and of course pissed myself while gagging. WTF? The guy in the movie did say that he felt gross the first few days but like THIS? I know I said I wanted to get healthy but why does what supposed to feel good make me feel like shit?

8/8/11

I had NO idea how hard this would be. I have an absolute splitting headache, extremely dizzy and am still totally nauseous. I'm exhausted and emotional. It's only been two days! Nothing but fresh fruits and vegetables juiced. I called Consuela. She'd asked me awhile back if I wanted help. I know she's all holistic and so healthy herself and it's clear I need some guidance. I have been looking on the internet at some videos of juicers and some recipes but I need more. I'm going to see her tomorrow. I also made an appt to get a checkup with Dr. M. for blood tests. Consuela asked me to get a ph test. What the hell is that? Ok, I'm going to sleep. I'm so tired. And I smell falafel.

8/9/11

I saw Dr. M this morning. He took my blood but said drawing PH was difficult and not necessary. He also gave me a pamphlet about learning how to eat "like a third world person to loose weight". He didn't get that I don't just want to lose weight. I've done that before! I want to get healthy! Speaking of, I met Connie today. She lives in an awesome place! The train station was where they filmed "Hello Dolly"! It took about an hour to get there by train. I felt like crap the whole morning and slept the way up and back. We talked a lot about how I should go about this. She said that the guy in that doc we saw went on a raw food diet for two weeks before the juicing just to give his body a chance to adjust from burgers to juice. I gave up coffee, sugar, flour, dairy, breads, pastas, meat and just about everything because I don't want diabetes and I don't want to die like Daddy at 49. That's 5 years away... We talked about doing this for 3 months. I'm too tired to write about it all now and I decided I'm going to blog about it like I did my YOGA blog. That was 90 days too.. weird. Husbando is telling me to turn off the light so I won't be writing about this in you anymore but online. I'm sure I could print out the blog and put inside you. That would work. That sounded weird. Damn. I'm tired. And I feel shitty.