This sucks

*sigh* Today was a very hard day. I wanted something to eat EAT badly. Every sandwich, pizza slice and bagel I saw today made me angry. Every healthy person laughing and snacking I wanted to smack the shit out of them. Why the hell does MY life have to be ruined by food?!? Why couldn't I have been one of those people who said "I feel gross when I eat too much" or "I hate eating in the summer, it's too hot." I can eat hot food on a hot day no problem. And no matter the weather I love feeling stuffed! It's safe, warm, nurturing and loving. Only people who abuse food know this love hate relationship because it can also make you feel disgusting, weak and depressed.

I'm not dreaming that my husband is cheating on me with another woman with sex but that he's having a 6 course meal with some brunette. They order appetizers.. is it fried calamari? Mozzarella sticks? Main course is steak and lobster in butter.. creamed spinach, and well done baked potato, loaded of course! Wait, is that a bowl of alfredo sauce and bread sticks from Olive Garden?! O sweet baby Jesus that looks delicious. I'm more jealous now that some woman might be able to eat with my husband than try and sleep with him.

I knew this wouldn't be easy but I am feeling it in so many ways. My stomach is beginning to growl. My mind is beginning to wander and my body in general is trying to rebel. Thank god Stanzi is coming over tomorrow and revealing her 10 day plan for me. I really need some structure with this process.

I'm finding that I'm trying to "sneak in" more fruits. I ate a whole mango today as well as 2 cups of cherries and 2 cups of blueberries in addition to my vegetable juices. Is this my sugar dependancy? My desire to consume a lot? It sounds crazy but I really like the feeling of actually shoving food in my mouth. Movie popcorn is a great example. This is a food that is publicly okayed to shovel in your gullet. I'm grossed out watching others do it but I enjoy it myself. Kind of like picking your nose.

Tonight was the first night I performed since I started this journey. I felt a little spacey honestly. Most of the people performing knew what I was doing and wished me luck. I accepted that wish. Although I think it's going to take a lot more than luck.