Day 52 Micronutrients rock

Day 52 of 90

I did pretty good today making it only on juice again.

Breakfast Juice:

Lemon, ginger, fennel, yellow pepper, broccoli, celery, apple, kale and carrot

Lunch Juice:

Red cabbage, kale, cucumber, pear, carrot, ginger,spinach and lettuce

Dinner was the leftover juice.

When I came home from my show after 12 I felt very very hungry and broke down and had a can of tuna with avocado, pepper and lime juice.

I know it's still a great choice but I am disappointed that I didn't make it the full day. I want to... scratch that ...

I NEED to get back on track. I could already tell the wonderful juices I drank today kicked the crap out of my system. I know I am not where I was when I started, but not doing juicing so strictly had me making some not so great food choices.

Am I pussing out? I hope not. I just want to play it safe. I've only had 52 days. If I were an alcoholic would I go hang out at bars with just 52 days? Well, if I was looking for an excuse disguised as "real life situations" maybe I would, but if I wanted to keep my sobriety I would follow a plan that I KNEW worked.

Eating raw and some cooked vegetarian has given me more taste, and with more taste comes a desire for "more" in general. It's strange because when I eat something that's good for me and tastes good I'm sated. When I eat something fatty or sweet, I just... want... more...

I don't know exactly how my bad choices conquered the good this past week but I'm in a fight for my life here so I'm going to persevere!

Day 50/51 What the hell

Day 50/51 of 90

These past two days have been reckless. After the death of an associate and Clinton being away again I found myself drinking decaf coffee with soymilk, I also ate some cookies leftover from my student recital tonight. Cranberry oatmeal drizzled with white fudge and one caramel black sea salt candy bar

( I know, I know, I know.. sheesh...why keep buying them if I'm going to slip on occasion?) Because I am a jack ass that's why. I seem to want to kill myself with food. I must be on a mission to defy logic and ONLY feed my wants and not needs. Why else would I be 1 lb from my first 20 lb goal and then start acting like an idiot?

STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! Do NOT fuck this up Shelly!!

I HAVE TO GO BACK TO JUST PLAIN JUICING FOR A BIT.

I NEED TO RECOUP.

I CAN'T BE TRUSTED ALONE WITH FOOD YET

why am I yelling? Because I'm scared that's why. Fucking terrified.

Breakfast Juice: kiwi, cucumber, carrot, apple, pear, kale, lemon, ginger and spinach

snack decaf coffee with soy milk millet bread (completely gross by the way but wheat and gluten free)

Lunch: Almond/pecan mix, tuna, avocado

Dinner: leftover Juice, two TBs almond butter, broccoli, celery, strawberries, grapes cookies, candy bar

Day 49 Weigh in Week. I lost two pounds :-)

Day 49 of 90

Oh happy day! I lost two more lbs of unwanted fleshy bits for a total of 19 lbs lost. I REALLY wanted that 20 lb mark but I'm ok with losing two. It's better than one and certainly better than none! I had a rough week this week too so I'm happy I still lost. I increased my exercise but didn't do one of the 3 workouts I'd promised Stanzi. When I check in with her tomorrow we will discuss it for sure.

Had a great day out and about with el husbando and Zelda. I ate almost normally...

Breakfast:

MY FIRST COOKED ONE IN 49 DAYS!

egg whites with mushrooms, tomatoes, onions and avocado

1/2 pear 1/2 slice oh wheat berry toast

Lunch:

Quinoa and vegetables (zucchini and squash)

Strawberry, blackberry, blueberry smoothie with soy milk (and a few wood chips because like a dumbass I used it to stir while it was on)

Snack: cucumber, apple, kiwi, kale, lemon and ginger juice

Dinner: will be sushi and Juice

47/48 Mid Journey Weirdness

Day 48 of 90

I just can't seem to get motivated to write every day anymore. I think that even my writing is getting lamer? I don't know if it's the newness wearing off or what. What constitutes new anyway? How long is something done before it's routine and not new? I don't know. I do know that I am being very daring with my whole foods. I am not eating raw every day. I am juicing and I am eating pescetarian.

I had some bread tonight. Flourless, sprouted wheatberry bread and I can feel my joints swelling as I type. My knees and elbows. I also had a regular cup of coffee this morning. HUGE mistake. I felt nauseous, tweaked out and just plain wrong but something kept me on it. I fought with myself about how I must love torturing myself and took one last sip and poured out the rest. I just felt I had to have it! But I didn't need it as I had it I could feel it's effects.

When I was a kid I had to "teach" myself to smoke. That is, no one ever picks up a cig, inhales and doesn't cough the first time. Hell, the first dozen times it's not until we "get used to" this practice. Can coffee be the same? Why would anyone start? Or restart? I also ate an ice cream sandwich. What an idiot! Tomorrow is my weigh in day as well. I can try and hide from myself but I can't from the scale. Maybe I just feel shame and that's why I didn't write.

Breakfast: Celery, beet, apple, carrot, lemon, ginger, fennel and spinach Juice

Lunch Tuna with avocado and himilayan sea salt

Snack: Hummus and celery

Dinner; 1 piece bread with almond butter, 2 whole wheat crackers and 2 tbs hummus

one ice cream sandwich :-(

The sad thing is that it tasted very chemically. So why did I finish it? PLEASE PLEASE don't let me fall of the wagon! I am only 1/2 way there. HELP

Day 45/46 1/2 way there!

Day 46 of 90

Here I am again writing in after two days. Am I slacking? I don't know. I've been pretty busy these past two days but it's no excuse.

I started the first of my 10 weeks of Philosophy class. It was interesting. It was strange, I found out that a lot of what Philosophy is I am using currently and always have. The word means Philo=Love and Sophy/ia is the goddess of Wisdom so, in essence the love of wisdom. That has always been me. Seeking more, wanting more info. I feel it with what I'm eating and want to do it in my every moment if possible.

For homework, they asked us to ask ourselves in all situations "What would a wise person do in this situation". This also applies to the way I eat. So valid. I'm excited to find out what other things will line up with the classes.

I can't believe I am 1/2 way through the 90 days. I definitely feel a change but I also feel like I am teetering and I want to stay on the healthy path. I need to convince my brain that this is the lifestyle I CHOOSE. Every day. Because it is what's best. Not what tastes best. Not what brings me most joy, but what is healthiest for me.

Breakfast: pear, apple, carrot, spinach, lemon, kale, cucumber and ginger

Lunch: Bowl of tuna and avocado

Green drink

Snack: Almonds, pecans,

Dinner: mango, green apple, whole wheat tortilla and black beans

Day 43/44 Did that really happen? *Not for the faint of heart*

Day 44 of 90

Wow. A lot has happened. Last night I was molested (god I hate that word) on the street by a group of guys. They groped me and violated me with their hands. I got out pretty unscathed but was very shaken. I was molested, accused of being an under cover cop trying to trap someone, then called a transvestite all within 30 minutes. It was not a good night. I missed my gig and my husband was out of town.

As I rode home I started to think " something terrible happened. I should comfort myself with food." I was AWARE of what I was thinking. I didn't just eat and then wonder why I did. I talked myself out of it but when I awoke this morning things were different. I woke up with a thought in my head "I want to feel NORMAL" and somehow that translated into me wanting a cup of coffee as I normally would have before my journey. So I had a cup of coffee (decaf) with flavored non dairy hazelnut creamer. It tasted wonderful! Just as I remembered!

As I got to the bottom of the first cup I wanted more of that flavor so i had another cup although my stomach was protesting it's acidic content after 44 days of non consumption. I drank it and then felt gross. "I need something in my stomach because I'm going to be riding my bike for over an hour and won't be home for two hours but juice and coffee would be nasty so I'll have a piece of toast." That turned into two. One smeared with almond butter and one smeared with 1/2 an avocado. That toast tasted great but immediately I felt bloated.

I then went to therapy and talked about what happened last, how I didn't eat afterwards and how i had coffee and toast to feel "normal" and that it wasn't as bad at it could have been (the assault and associated food issue)

and how lucky I was. I then rode to Trader Joe's to get groceries before el husbando came home. I bought what was on the list and then I bought more for me to eat. Alone. As I shopped for those personal secret items it was as if I had two separate minds. It wasn't that the one that pushes out discipline and righteousness was gone, it was just put aside by the one that tells you everything will be alright and has a hedonistic and nurturing promise.

Notice I said promise. Because very rarely does that come without a price. Want to have sex with a stranger unprotected? Risk STD's. Want to drink booze and do coke like a rock star? Risk losing a lot of money and self respect. Want to tan every chance you get to be dark and gorgeous? Risk cancer and wrinkles. Want to eat bacon, cookies and deep fried foods? Risk heart disease and diabetes.

I came home and ate 3 TJ Panko crusted chicken strips and 3/4 a container of dark chocolate caramels. I then washed those down with 1/2 cup of skim milk, followed by one slice provolone cheese and 6 crackers. I had to teach one lesson and then I went to the farmers market to get my vegetables (what a joke after eating all that crap!) when I got back home I ate some more caramels and then felt very, very sick but that didn't stop me because I ate two or three more and then decided to go for a walk in the park with Zelda.

I decided to make it an extra long one to try and make up for the fact that I binged so hard on things I hadn't eaten in SO long. All that dairy! Processed flour! Meat! As I neared the end of my walk my stomach cramped up. Holy shit! Literally... I had to go NOW. Right NOW! There are hardly an restrooms in Central park and after dark they're all closed. I got as far as I could and then I did what almost no one would do. I crapped in the park. I had to! It was that or in my pants. And having done that before? I opted for the grass.

Very ironic that I'd watched Zelda poop so many times and waited for her to finish as I held a baggie. Now she watched me crouched in the bushes probably wondering "WTF is this?!?" I could see people riding bikes by, people sitting on benches but hoped that no one saw me. I made it home and went again. I imagine I will go again and may barf in the middle of the night too.

I actually made myself feel worse not better. Lesson learned? Who the fuck knows. All I know is I feel barfy and remorseful about once again doing something that I think is rewarding me but is, in fact, hurting me.

Day 42 Lost 1 more lb for total of 17 lm loss

Day 42 of 90

Well today was my weigh in day. 197. Only 3 lbs away from losing 20 lbs in 6 weeks. I'd really like to get that goal next week. I'm happy I'm losing every week evenly at 1,2 lbs but I'd love another 4-5 lb week loss as well. It's the little bumps that help so much.

Met up with a bunch of my pals who are Moms. Hot Moms. Moms of two kids and still in better shape than me.

I'll get there. Slowly but surely.

One huge difference I can tell is that my hormones have leveled out some. It used to be that before my period I would swell up, ache, get bloated, severe cravings, dizziness etc... but now I just feel typical things ie: lower back pain and cramps. It's another small blessing.

Tonight was sushi night and I was glad but didn't finish what we ordered for the first time ever.

Breakfast: blackberry, blueberry, apple, cucumber, carrot, kale, lemon and kiwi

Lunch: Avocado, onion, celery, broccoli sprouts, pumpkin seed salad

Dinner:

Tuna sashimi, yellowtail, cucumber avocado roll, edmamme, california roll

Day 40/41 My blood tests are back!

Day 41 of 90

I wanted to write yesterday but as I'd said on Thurs my internet has been crappy and it went out that night until today when they came and "fixed" it. It was actually a downgrade in speed somehow, so, sorry for no entry yesterday. Anyway...

I am happy to report that my blood tests came back! I went right to my cholest to check what results I had

FROM TO SHOULD BE

HDL 43 37 >=46

LDL 102 103 <130

Total 207 186 125-200

Triglycerides 309 232 < 150

In Roughly 5 weeks I lowered my Total level by 21 points which radically reduces my risk of diabetes, heart disease and stroke. And, I lowered my Trigl by 70 points!! In 39 days. NO medication !! I am still at a pretty high number but still a great improvement! I need to lower it by at least 82 more points to be out of the woods. I also need to increase my GOOD cholest as well. I'm surprised with all those yummy avocados I've been eating :-) Time to do some more research. I want to start adding more stuff to my current menu...

Breakfast: Kiwi, celery, carrot, green apple, lime, lemon, ginger, cucumber and kale

Lunch: avocado with tuna, onion, relish and pumpkin seeds, mango

Green Drink

Snack: Raw Almond/pecan mix

Dinner: avocado with tuna, onion, relish and pumpkin seeds

I had an INSANE craving for tuna fish salad today. So I made some. I know the tuna was cooked before but it seemed "raw" because it was room temperature :-) I didn't get sick. Oh wait, you mean what I made today was healthy? Not like the #6 I barfed up on 57th street and 8th Ave. I made it so I know what was in it. The relish seemed sooo sweet so I literally put just 1/2 a forkful in. I put it all in a bowl and it was scrumptious!!

It's a slow introduction into cooking veggies as the fall weather approaches. My cravings are being set off by fall smells too. Pumpkin spiced muffins, warm bread, apple spice candles, hot soup... *sigh*

Today's awesome results gave me a nice little boost. I needed it.

Day 39 Coming round the bend

Day 39 of 90

My internet has been so screwy today. I got my blood drawn today and should have the results by MOnday! I'm excited. Not nervous, but excited to see what great things I've done to my body on the inside. I'm almost half way through this journey and am really trying to stay in the now.

I tried on some more of my clothes today that had been put away and they fit :-) Tiny rewards like that. I went a bit of track today though. I ate bread. I ate two whole-wheat Martin's potato rolls. With almond butter. No big whoop on the AB but once I had that first roll, I immediately wanted another and just like the tortilla incident I ate another one.

Will I ever learn that self control? Am I that alcoholic who is saying "Oh I can have one beer" . It's frustrating. Mainly because it set me off on wanting to have more of that satisfaction taste wise. Delicious bread.

I joined a 10 week class on Philosophy that starts next week. I can't think of a better time to delve into some of life's questions than while I'm delving into life's banquet options.

Breakfast:

Kale, cucumber, green apple, carrot, ginger, lemon, parsley and kiwi

Lunch: Japanese Salad

Snack, 2 tbs hummus, handful of pecan/almond mix and blueberries/blackberries

Dinner 2 almond butter sandwiches on Martins Potato Rolls

Snack 2 Tbs Hummus, 4 strawberries, celery

Day 38 Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Day 38 of 90

I sense a trend. I'm beginning to skip days in my entries. I will stop that immediately! I need to write every day. I need to continue with honesty and openness. These past two days have been good. I reconnected with Stanzi on Monday and we talked a lot about what's blocking me exercise wise. The last time I got my heart rate up really high I had a panic attack. I think my body mistook adrenaline for fear, or more likely, chose to put fear behind the adrenaline vs that adrenaline of excitement, thrill, etc...

I want to be that runner. My friend Rick T runs every day. He also eats a shit ton of "crappy" food.. chili dogs, bacon wrapped burgers, deep fried cheese and I've often wondered if the reason he is so dedicated to running is so he can eat all that fatty food and stay so slim. His wife BJ too. (ok Rick, time to answer..lol)

I also have another friend Mazz whose said "of all the people I know, I'd have expected you to enjoy getting all sweaty and kicking ass". She is a huge inspiration to me. Triple black belt in Hap Ki Do and could give Angela Basset a run for her money in the "gun show." I think she's right. It IS shocking that I don't treat my body as an awesome vehicle instead of it being an anchor.

I go to the docs tomorrow to FINALLY get my blood work done. It will take a week to get the results too. It is beginning to feel like a lifestyle but I'm not fooling myself. There is a doughnut lurking around every corner...

Breakfast Juice: Celery, 2 tomatoes, 1 clove garlic, 2 carrots, spinach, kale and beet

Lunch: pecans, 1/2 avocado, 1 green apple, Green drink

Dinner: "Burritos" guacamole, salsa and zucchini wrapped in lettuce leaves

Snack: Almond butter, green apple

Lemon waters

Day 35 and broke 200!

Day 35 of 90

I weighed myself this morning and was 198! One-derland! Total 16 lbs lost. It's taken me two days to make an entry. I've been busy but honestly I've also been mourning. This time of year is always so hard for me. I personally lost so much during and after 9/11 that I find my anxiety, nausea, dizziness and panic attacks are more prominent. I can honestly say that for the first time in 10 years I didn't feel anywhere NEAR as nervous. Could it be my new body chemistry? I'm not sure but I was able to fight the urge to get bacon/egg/cheese on a roll and chocolate milk. That was my favorite "happy" breakfast. Or biscuits and gravy, but as I've said before I could eat biscuits and gravy EVERY day! I didn't.

I had some almond butter and berries with water and lemon. I had to have something non juiced since I left the house at 8:20 am to go downtown and sing for the Battalion 2 Memorial Mass. Over 1,200 fire/police men and women honoring their dead. It was very moving. The first time I've ventured out on this day since 2001.

When I came home I was very hungry. I made a watermelon, fennel, kale, ginger, apple, meyer lemon, cucumber, carrot and celery juice for myself and el husbando. Delicious and I was actually craving it!

I am going to go for a long walk and enjoy my afternoon with ZElda and Clint. This is what life is about.

Day 33 Squeezing my fat sometimes feels good.

Day 33 of 90

I tried to call my doc today to make an appt but he's gone until next week. So, I have to wait another week to find out what my blood levels are. I had a show tonight and a few of the gals said how glowing my skinned looked. I asked one girl if she could see a difference in my body at all since she saw me at my bday party a month ago and she said no. I appreciated her honesty but was hoping for a yes.

I can feel a difference and like the way I feel I have to say. I still want coffee in the morning for the taste and ritual but now have juice. I still smell pizza and drool but I have smoothie/soup instead. I still want a big ass Dr Pepper but I have homemade seltzer water and lemon.

It's great to have el husbando as a cheering squad. He's always SO positive and it's amazing to have him in my life. I want to be healthy so i can enjoy a long life with him and the monkey doodles.

I think a lot of my weight issues stem from protecting myself. As grossed out as I am by my body I also find myself squeezing my belly rolls when I'm in bed because it's comforting. Am I remembering squeezing a boob and getting nutrition? Our subconscious works in such mysterious ways. It's virtually impossible to pinpoint exact memory/lifestyle shapings. Does this make sense? An example might be someone who enjoys the feeling of being smothered. They might just have a memory from being a baby and being swaddled and therefore secure. It's all so woven together yet all hypothetical...

I'll be having a chat with Stanzi on Mon. As I said it will be great to hear what she has so say and offer up.

Breakfast Juice: Kiwi, kale, spinach, Meyer lemon, carrot, apple and cucumber

Lunch; Kale, spinach, mixed baby greens, 1 avocado, 1/2 cob corn niblets, pumpkin seeds , 1 pear

dressing: dates/lemon/OO

Green drink (all out and need to get more)

Dinner: 2 piece watermelon, 3 celery, 2 tbsp almond butter

Day 32 Rainy days and Frito Lays

Day 32 of 90

Today was my full teaching day and it's always difficult to plan ahead for eating. I had one student who came I could smell the Honey BBQ twist Fritos she'd eaten. I knew EXACTLY what that smell was. I hadn't eaten them in about 7 years. I remember it was the last summer my brother in law had his fishing boat and my niece was still in high school. Her and her friend brought them on a trip to the lake end I ate the whole bag on the boat! That summer I became obsessed with them. Stuffed them in my sandwiches, straight out the bag and always with soda. Ah soda, the sweet, cold carbonated "toothpaste" of junk food. It'll clean out any funky particles and then set you up for round two of the eating cycle.. salty..sweet...salty...sweet... etc...

Being able to smell them on her told me a lot about myself that's for sure. I remember events by food. I can also remember events by what people were wearing but my food recollection is intense.

I had a short window of time to get my veggie shopping done and it was pouring rain outside so as I rode my bike home I thought to myself "well at least the dirt is getting washed off!" It's shocking the difference in price between organic and not. Almost triple the price! Celery at Stiles in $1. Organic celery at the market is $2.99. I try and follow the cheat sheet which is mainly hard skinned, peeled fruit and veggies are ok non organic but all leafy greens and soft skins should be organic. Makes sense but it is so true... eating crappy is so much cheaper. Spaghettios, ramen, canned peaches and oatmeal cookies from the 99 cent store can feed you for a week. I wonder what Spaghettios would taste like to me now? Oh man. I used to love that shit! Cold, right outta the can. So white trash I know. But this is from a girl whose Daddy loved Peanut butter mayonnaise sandwiches!

No wonder I got to where I was!

Breakfast:

Fennel. meyer lemon, cucumber, celery, spinach, kale, ginger and fennel

Lunch: Avocado, parsley and corn with lime and pepper, raspberries, blackberries, watermelon

green drink.

Dinner, 2 Tbsp almond butter, celery, pear, watermelon

Lemon waters

Day 31 The Perfect Plan

Day 31 of 90

I am a bit frustrated with my journey and a lot confused. I will be getting back in touch with Stanzi this week now that Irene and the holiday is over. It's always great to talk to her.

I'm not really sure where to go from here but I am liking the idea of doing 5-5-5.

5 all juice days then 5 day juice and food. Repeat.

It was a bit cold today and I desired cooked food. I wanted cooked vegetables. I made zucchini, peppers, onions and garlic for Clint and I really wanted to eat some. I do know cooking veggies removes a lot of the nutrients so I'm not sure. I think the nut butters have to go. I think it's too much like candy for me. Fuck. I hate saying that.

I want a dark chocolate black sea salt caramel bar from TJ's right now. I want a plate of nachos. A Red Robin Teryiaki chicken sandwich with fries.

I need to feel pure again food wise and when I was juicing I did. I know it's not "real" though. My psyche perceives it as a wonderland of Ponce De Leon possibilities. Juicing will not give me everything I need in my diet. Or can it? Is it possible? Everything except fiber perhaps.

Who eats toast, turkey bacon and egg whites? a grand latte and croissant? a salad for breakfast?

It's as if I am an alien who came to this planet and is utterly overwhelmed with the expansive consumptive choices given to humans every single day.

Why not eat the same thing every day? The perfect plan. The EXACT nutritional formula for optimal success in health and fitness.

If only it were that easy

Breakfast juice Kale, spinach. lime, lemon, apple, fennel, cucumber, ginger

Lunch Carrot ginger soup (blended with avocado) rasp/blackberries

Dinner: spinach, red leaf, romaine, pumpkin seeds, pear, carrot, zucchini, corn salad with almond butter dressing and the rest of the soup.

Day 30 You can't always get what you want

Day 30 of 90

14 lbs lost

200.4 lbs

I've come to realize that this is a long haul journey and not a fad. I weighed myself today and only lost 1.5 lbs. Which puts me at 200.2 lbs. That was in 9 days! STILL in the 200's. I am not really sure how that's working unless the two tortillas and tuna roll made that much of a difference?! I still have a bit of animosity about it but it is a loss none the less.

Am I eating not enough/ too many calories? Protein? Carbs? I have no idea. I just naturally assumed that by eating nothing but fruits/vegetables and nuts I'd lose a lot of weight in addition to cleaning out my insides. But perhaps calories in and calories out apply with no matter what you're eating. Come to think of it, I've seen plenty of porky vegetarians...

If it takes me 6 mos to lose all the weight I want to lose (80 lbs from my start date now 66 lbs) then so be it. If it takes me a year then so be it. If I lose another 15 this month, then another 15 the next, that will be 45 lbs and that should at least get me out of the obese range and into just overweight. The following months after that will be a breeze and I'll be ready for spring!

Breakfast Juice Kale, spinach, two lemons, carrot, ginger, red leaf lettuce, green apple

Lunch; Almond butter 2 Tbs, one mango, green drink

Dinner: green apple, lettuce, date dressing, corn, spinach

leon waters

Day 29 A little bit of this and a whole lotta that

Day 29 of 90

I spent most of the day working with el husbando at the office taking care of trying to combine two spaces into one. It felt great to use my arms and spend some time with him being active. It seems easier for me when I have a task to complete.

I don't know why but EVERY time I am alone and get my heart rate up I begin to panic. It's very very strange. I don't know why and I'm tired of it. Has anyone else ever experienced this? Or have a clue as to why? We also walked to and from his office so that was a nice 2 miles.

I feel like I am slipping. Since I'd only had juice that morning I was ravenous on the way home from the work. I made a stop at Go-Sushi and had a spicy tuna roll with brown rice and cucumber. It wasn't even that amazing but I just wanted food. Last night it was two tortillas and today a sushi roll. What tomorrow? Oh God, I want to stay on this path. I need this.

I am terrified about tomorrow's weigh in. Am I being silly? I guess we'll see in the morning.

Breakfast Juice: Kale, lemon, ginger, carrot, cucumber, apple

Lunch: Spicy Tuna roll

Dinner: Watermelon, 1/2 avocado with lemon and pepper, almonds

Lemon Waters, green drink

So although I had a lot of what is nutritiously good and raw there were little discrepancies.

Day 28 Getting closer to the one month mark!

Day 28 of 90

Hard to believe that I will be completing 30 days so soon. It seems both long and short. I had another show tonight and everyone was eating (supper club food). The place smelled so great and I was a bit overwhelmed. At one point I'd asked the stage kitten to get me a seltzer water and she brought back a sprite. I knew the first big gulp it wasn't seltzer. The first real sugar I've had in almost 30 days! It tasted crazy sweet! I panicked. "Oh shit! What is this going to do to me?" BUt fortunately it was a very busy night so the evening flew by.

I made a big mistake though. Well, actually two.

1) I didn't eat before I went out tonight.

I had to leave by 6:30 and it was a full day so no prep ahead time. When I arrived for the second show at 10pm I was even more hungry. I drank two waters there and planned to have something when I got home. I got home about 12am and saw that el husbando had had a mini feast! Cookies, ice cream, candy and a sandwich. I got so mad! Not because he ate that stuff for him but that he'd eaten it all without me! I was also angry that I "couldn't" have any tried really hard to remember I CHOSE this. It isn't a punishment. It's a gift. Wrestling with your fatty conscious is brutal. Which leads me to the other mistake

2) I emotionally reacted and ate two whole wheat tortillas.

I was angry eating. How the hell was that supposed to "teach ____ a thing or two!" I punished myself by subconsciously rewarding myself. Did I lose you? Sorry.

What I mean is ... I needed a way to be angry at someone. A scapegoat. It wasn't el husbando. It was me. I was so deeply jealous (it was Ben and Jerry's limited batch of German chocolate cake for fucks sake!) and It felt such an injustice but i couldn't see that was the source. So, the "good/healthy" side battled the "evil/unhealthy" side and the evil side said "You think you can tell me what to do? Ha! I'll show you!" However, by eating the tortillas I was also soothing the Good side by giving it something "forbidden."

The first one was for that. The second one my addiction. That tortilla tasted like the whole wheat was ground by the thighs of a beautiful Mexican woman and mixed with holy water to create a doughy, delicious delight. As soon as I had the first bite my brain kicked in "make another one. Now! This one will be over sooner than you think. Then what? HOw will you get that taste back?"

My brian obliged. I'm not happy about it. I sure as hell hope I'm not doing some weird sabotage thing since it's so close to my weigh in...

Breakfast Juice

Kale, apple, ginger, lettuce, cucumber

green drink

Snack: handful of raw almonds

Lunch

3 slices Watermelon

Burritos ( chili/cumin flavored guacamole with salsa wrapped in romaine leaves)

Dinner

Two whole wheat tortillas

Day 27 NOt a drop to drink? More like water, water everywhere and I've just got to pee!

Day 27 of 90

It was a beautiful day outside. My radio segment recording went smoothly, I was able to wear a skirt and belt I hadn't been able to wear in awhile and I went to a fantastic birthday party and fell in love with her home! So cute and awesome. Loved it. Gave me a lot of ideas. I also can't weight to lose enough wait to play dress up with her.

I found myself helping her prepare the food for everyone (i volunteered) and I loved being a part of the food. Especially looking at the sandwiches. I was pissed when el husbando ate it so nonchalantly. He didn't even describe the flavors until I asked him! I don't know why but I love to hear the description of what people are eating. The hostess said she'd ordered a giant plate of veggies and fruit because she knew I'd be coming. After I took plates out to everyone I went into the room where the fruit was and picked out all the parts I wanted. I knew that is was to be my dinner so I got:

Dinner: black/rasp/straw and blueberries, pineapple, watermelon, baby carrots, broccoli, cucumbers, cauliflower and a handful of almonds.

Lunch: Avocado, spinach, kale, romaine salad with olive oil and lemon

Breakfast: Kale, spinach, apple, ginger, lemon and cucumber

Green drink lemon waters and regular water.

Speaking of... I have have been downing the water like crazy and am in the bathroom literally every 30 minutes. The past two nights I've slept like crap because I had to get up for four times to pee! I'm not sure how many hours I should stop drinking water before I go to bed. Any suggestions?

Day 26 Choices, choices...

Day 26 of 90

I feel like I'm a bit stuck. I'm beginning to obsess about being under 200 by Monday. (I figured out 30 days would be Monday not Sunday) I took a 2 mile walk with Zelda today and it felt nice. Easier now that it's not freakin 89 degrees and %100 humidity. It's hard to believe how much walking up and down 5 flights of stairs 3 times a day for 16 years can do for you without even noticing! Well, not noticing until they're gone... I only live 3 flights now and their much smaller and , I rarely ever take them because I didn't have an elevator for 16 years! Oh! The irony! (insert dramatic fake New Hampshire accent)

I can feel my body a bit differently now and have noticed that my skin seems dry. Obviously I need to get much more water in. At first it was so easy but now it seems between the 2 lemon waters and one green drink a day I don't want it. It's easy for me to drink it carbonated but I'd read that carbonation creates acid in the body!

I'm also getting a bit tired of eating the same foods but not the juices. I crave food don't get me wrong but salads and cold soups get a bit boring. I'm excited to see what Stanzi and I can come up with for the middle leg of this journey. We are reconnecting on Monday after a much deserved vacation for her and her beautiful family.

I'm going to a birthday/housewarming tomorrow and am thinking of bringing something raw so I can munch on stuff during the party. Or, maybe I should just not eat at the party? An exercise in will power? Hmm... what would you do?

Breakfast Juice

1 Green apple, 2 cups spinach, 3 bunches kale, 1 cucumber, parsley, lemon, ginger, watermelon, 4 stalks celery

Lunch

Green drink

curry cauliflower soup ( the last time I make this, I made it before and didn't care for it either time, the only recipe Stanzi gave me that I didn't like)

1/2 mango

Snack

handful of raw almonds

Dinner

spinach, romaine, 1/2 avocado, cucumber/dill dressing, 1/4 cup corn, 1 med pear

Day 25 Taste bud Teasers

Day 25 of 90

I'm a bit tired today. My father in law decided to just fly home instead of try and wait for yet another train. It was great having them. They're very supportive and a lot of fun. I think I enjoyed cooking for everyone so much because as I'd said before, if I can't eat it I want to watch someone eat it instead!

Today was my long teaching day as well. It's always hard to get food or extra juicing in because of the prep. There isn't a lot of "just eat" foods. Fruit is the easiest but I'm trying to stay away from over indulging in the sugars. I wish I could get my taste buds to be stoked over biting into a tomato or some celery but it just doesn't pack enough punch for me. I'm a sauce FREAK. I think I could make any meals out of just sauce and bread! Let's see...

Olive Garden breadsticks and Alfredo sauce (I dream of it's warm, salty, creamy goodness!)

Sizzler cheddar toast and the Chicken hibachi sauce (Sizzlers are in Calif)

Garlic Naan and tikka masala sauce (or any indian sauce really)

Biscuits and Gravy

Crusty baguette with olive oil and balsamic vinegar

Garlic toast and Marinara

The list goes on and on and on and on... Although the kale, spinach and carrots taste good I'm dealing with 40 years of food memory. It's like asking a circus bear to return to the wild and fend for himself. Ok, maybe it isn't but you get the picture. It is a daily struggle and I'm fighting the urge to stigmatize foods as bad or good. Punishment or reward. Food has always been a reward for women. Men experience this as well but I've found women are much more food motivated then men. Women are willing to do to a lot to compensate food intake like wear spanx from head to toe, eat one day and then not the next, smoke instead of eat, exercise furiously or good ol bulimia or anorexia. I'm changing my relationship with food. It is NOT just for taste. Do I only wear satin and cashmere because it feels the best? No. Do I only wear green because it's my favorite color? No. I need to be the same with food.

Stanzi's emails have proven to be somewhat of a manual. Plenty of questions to keep my mind occupied and my soul being searched. I'm finding it hard to GET motivated about more exercise. I see myself doing it but I just don't. I also need to increase my water intake. I've only had about 2 liters today and I should be drinking about 4 liters.

I had some social things tonight and it was curious just ordering seltzer water the whole evening. No nightclub or celebration food. Just me drinking up the agua and burning calories by trying to keep my legs together while sitting on a bar stool. No easy task for a large lady.. try it you'll see..

Juice Breakfast:

1 Cucumber

1 Bunch Kale, Spinach and celery

1 Lemon

1/2 inch ginger

2 apples

Parsley

Lunch

Raspberries, mango and avocado salad

Green drink

Dinner

spinach, romaine, pumpkin seeds, almond butter dressing

Lemon waters