Wow. A lot has happened. Last night I was molested (god I hate that word) on the street by a group of guys. They groped me and violated me with their hands. I got out pretty unscathed but was very shaken. I was molested, accused of being an under cover cop trying to trap someone, then called a transvestite all within 30 minutes. It was not a good night. I missed my gig and my husband was out of town.
As I rode home I started to think " something terrible happened. I should comfort myself with food." I was AWARE of what I was thinking. I didn't just eat and then wonder why I did. I talked myself out of it but when I awoke this morning things were different. I woke up with a thought in my head "I want to feel NORMAL" and somehow that translated into me wanting a cup of coffee as I normally would have before my journey. So I had a cup of coffee (decaf) with flavored non dairy hazelnut creamer. It tasted wonderful! Just as I remembered!
As I got to the bottom of the first cup I wanted more of that flavor so i had another cup although my stomach was protesting it's acidic content after 44 days of non consumption. I drank it and then felt gross. "I need something in my stomach because I'm going to be riding my bike for over an hour and won't be home for two hours but juice and coffee would be nasty so I'll have a piece of toast." That turned into two. One smeared with almond butter and one smeared with 1/2 an avocado. That toast tasted great but immediately I felt bloated.
I then went to therapy and talked about what happened last, how I didn't eat afterwards and how i had coffee and toast to feel "normal" and that it wasn't as bad at it could have been (the assault and associated food issue)
and how lucky I was. I then rode to Trader Joe's to get groceries before el husbando came home. I bought what was on the list and then I bought more for me to eat. Alone. As I shopped for those personal secret items it was as if I had two separate minds. It wasn't that the one that pushes out discipline and righteousness was gone, it was just put aside by the one that tells you everything will be alright and has a hedonistic and nurturing promise.
Notice I said promise. Because very rarely does that come without a price. Want to have sex with a stranger unprotected? Risk STD's. Want to drink booze and do coke like a rock star? Risk losing a lot of money and self respect. Want to tan every chance you get to be dark and gorgeous? Risk cancer and wrinkles. Want to eat bacon, cookies and deep fried foods? Risk heart disease and diabetes.
I came home and ate 3 TJ Panko crusted chicken strips and 3/4 a container of dark chocolate caramels. I then washed those down with 1/2 cup of skim milk, followed by one slice provolone cheese and 6 crackers. I had to teach one lesson and then I went to the farmers market to get my vegetables (what a joke after eating all that crap!) when I got back home I ate some more caramels and then felt very, very sick but that didn't stop me because I ate two or three more and then decided to go for a walk in the park with Zelda.
I decided to make it an extra long one to try and make up for the fact that I binged so hard on things I hadn't eaten in SO long. All that dairy! Processed flour! Meat! As I neared the end of my walk my stomach cramped up. Holy shit! Literally... I had to go NOW. Right NOW! There are hardly an restrooms in Central park and after dark they're all closed. I got as far as I could and then I did what almost no one would do. I crapped in the park. I had to! It was that or in my pants. And having done that before? I opted for the grass.
Very ironic that I'd watched Zelda poop so many times and waited for her to finish as I held a baggie. Now she watched me crouched in the bushes probably wondering "WTF is this?!?" I could see people riding bikes by, people sitting on benches but hoped that no one saw me. I made it home and went again. I imagine I will go again and may barf in the middle of the night too.
I actually made myself feel worse not better. Lesson learned? Who the fuck knows. All I know is I feel barfy and remorseful about once again doing something that I think is rewarding me but is, in fact, hurting me.
You suffered a horrible assault. I hope you notified the authorities. Those people are going to think they can get away with doing this to others or maybe even you again.
ReplyDeleteYou will be fine. As Stanzi said the other day, "Nothing happens by chance. It all has a reason." You learned via a horrible situation but you can through and are strong. Take care and treat yourself gently.