Hard to believe that I will be completing 30 days so soon. It seems both long and short. I had another show tonight and everyone was eating (supper club food). The place smelled so great and I was a bit overwhelmed. At one point I'd asked the stage kitten to get me a seltzer water and she brought back a sprite. I knew the first big gulp it wasn't seltzer. The first real sugar I've had in almost 30 days! It tasted crazy sweet! I panicked. "Oh shit! What is this going to do to me?" BUt fortunately it was a very busy night so the evening flew by.
I made a big mistake though. Well, actually two.
1) I didn't eat before I went out tonight.
I had to leave by 6:30 and it was a full day so no prep ahead time. When I arrived for the second show at 10pm I was even more hungry. I drank two waters there and planned to have something when I got home. I got home about 12am and saw that el husbando had had a mini feast! Cookies, ice cream, candy and a sandwich. I got so mad! Not because he ate that stuff for him but that he'd eaten it all without me! I was also angry that I "couldn't" have any tried really hard to remember I CHOSE this. It isn't a punishment. It's a gift. Wrestling with your fatty conscious is brutal. Which leads me to the other mistake
2) I emotionally reacted and ate two whole wheat tortillas.
I was angry eating. How the hell was that supposed to "teach ____ a thing or two!" I punished myself by subconsciously rewarding myself. Did I lose you? Sorry.
What I mean is ... I needed a way to be angry at someone. A scapegoat. It wasn't el husbando. It was me. I was so deeply jealous (it was Ben and Jerry's limited batch of German chocolate cake for fucks sake!) and It felt such an injustice but i couldn't see that was the source. So, the "good/healthy" side battled the "evil/unhealthy" side and the evil side said "You think you can tell me what to do? Ha! I'll show you!" However, by eating the tortillas I was also soothing the Good side by giving it something "forbidden."
The first one was for that. The second one my addiction. That tortilla tasted like the whole wheat was ground by the thighs of a beautiful Mexican woman and mixed with holy water to create a doughy, delicious delight. As soon as I had the first bite my brain kicked in "make another one. Now! This one will be over sooner than you think. Then what? HOw will you get that taste back?"
My brian obliged. I'm not happy about it. I sure as hell hope I'm not doing some weird sabotage thing since it's so close to my weigh in...
Breakfast Juice
Kale, apple, ginger, lettuce, cucumber
green drink
Snack: handful of raw almonds
Lunch
3 slices Watermelon
Burritos ( chili/cumin flavored guacamole with salsa wrapped in romaine leaves)
Dinner
Two whole wheat tortillas
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