Day 90 of 90 First journey complete 25 lbs lost total

FINISHED MY 90 DAYS JOURNEY!

I am amazed that I am done with this 90 days. 3 months flies by so fast. I feel pretty good and somewhat saddened. I've learned SO much about myself. Mostly that I am always a work in progress. I have severe eating issues stemming from many experiences as a child and have been trying to alter the outcome of what seemed to be my destiny; die young, fat and sick like most of my family has done.

I will ALWAYS be addicted to food. ALWAYS. I have to live with that. I am angry about it (Right Miss BB?) and wish it were different but I was, as Gaga says, "Born This Way."

My love of food is strong. Stronger than my desire for health at some points in time.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT has never rang truer.

LET FOOD BE THY MEDICINE is not a joke. Fuck big pharma and praise high volumes of fruits and veggies!

I know when I eat unhealthy my body will let me know. My joints will ache, I will crap blood, my skin will break out and get dry, my nails will yellow, and my overall feeling of well being diminishes. When I do eat healthy my depression lifts, my body feels light and capable of activity and my mind is clear and heart is open.

I am just beginning this process of getting better at respecting my life and body.

Thank you being part of this journey with me.

I especially want to thank Stanzi of Vitality Ventures for being a plethora of support, recipes, advice and amazing motivation through these past months. A dear friend, sister artist and astounding person Stanzi has made this journey with me and talked me down from some pretty high ledges. I love, respect and admire you.

Lastly, I want to thank my husband for encouraging me when I needed it and backing off when I didn't..lol

I will be beginning another 90 days journey after taking a week off to just BE. I will also report my blood test results in a week as to make a final report.

Thank you. Now I'm going to bed and dreaming of the next journey...

Day 89 3 lbs lost! 189 now

Day 89 of 90

I jumped out of bed this morning to weigh myself. I lost 3 lbs! I am now under 190! 189. So freaking close to 190 but still under! I am shocked. I really am. I haven't been eating the best these past few weeks but maybe my body is rewarding me for the times I did eat well. 25 lbs lost. That is crazy. I want to schedule my blood work again to see just how much of a difference I have made with my cholesterol and triglycerides. I have been having some extreme left arm pain and I don;t know if it's from stress of if my poor heart is struggling.

They say that cholesterol doesn't really matter anymore. It's the triglyceride count that can kill you. I picture my poor overworked heart. Filled with fat and lined with cholesterol. We were watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy and some guy was in for a "cleaning of the arteries" otherwise known as an angioplasty . "The balloon crushes the fatty deposits, opening up the blood vessel for improved flow, and the balloon is then deflated and withdrawn".

Sounds insane right? It's like the "lung brush" skit where Chris Farley uses a toilet brush to "brush " his lungs clear of tar and mucus. Disgusting but I know I wish I could have done it. I wonder if one can volunteer for an angioplasty? I mean we get colonics why can't we irrigate our arteries?

Day 88 OMG only one more day!

Day 88 of 90

I am having a difficult time. I have struggled my whole life. This struggle will not go away. I just learn more and try to put it into my life. I'll have my final weigh in tomorrow (for this 90 days anyway) and I am excited to see how I did. El husbando came home with a HUGE load of food from a fast food mexican chain he did a photo shoot for and I imeediately called my friend who was having a dinner party that night if we could "cater it" just to get the food out! It fed over 10 people with plenty to take home. Everyone noticed I was eating somewhat "normal" food and it felt strange. Like eyes were on me. My problem I know.

I am so proud of myself for startng this journey and excited to see how the results turn out as well!

Day 87 Let's stay in the NOW

Day 87

3 days left. So strange. So much can happen in 3 months. So little can happen as well. I find that I'm thinking about the next three months instead of being in the NOW. I'm trying on clothes every day trying to see what fits next. It's the every day struggle I need help with still. Passing the falafel stand, not eating halloween candy or buying things that the market "for my husband" when I know damn well it's for me to eat in private.

I have a friend in the Burlesque community who lost over 40 lbs in about 6 months doing WW. I also have a few friends who have lost almost that while I've been on my journey. I may try using WW in addition to my juicing and veg intake.

How many of you have tried with success weight watchers? I'm curious..

Day 86 Fall is upon us

Day 86 of 90

4 days left. Hard to believe. Today was a good day for me food wise. Plenty of green drink and juicing. I also made chicken breast and a side strawberries and blueberries. It feels great to eat the same things as my husband I have to say which has been a part of my "if "they" can eat it why can't I?

Can eating healthy be being "sober?" I know when I "use" food I feel exhilaration, numbness and satiation yet also remorse, shame and guilt. When I eat fresh foods it's an incredible feeling. My whole body feels clean. I feel lethargic and slow when I eat crappy.

Let's face it, a cheetah isn't fat....

Day 84 Happy Halloween!

It's Halloween night at about 12:45. I didn't write yesterday so I guess my bond isn't so strong right now is it? I weighed myself yesterday morning too and no weight loss so still at 192 for 1 24 lb weight loss and 2 lb gain back. I haven't been juicing only as I'd hoped I would. My will power was terrible today. I munched on "halloween candy" and after the stressful parade went and split a tuna melt and onion rings.

I immediately had "buyers remorse". It was a terrible choice but my brian was being old school fatty. "It's Halloween, you're allowed to overeat". eeks. If Thanksgiving is right around the corner and then Christmas this isn't a great way to start is it?

I will keep juicing everyday after the 90 days and I think I will try a few other things as well. Coffee will always be a problem for me too.

I'm deeply inspired by my friends who are so supportive and are plodding along with me.

xo

Day 83 one more week

Day 83 of 90.

Hard to believe that I have only one week left on this 90 day journey. I had two shows tonight and I am truly exhausted. I'm sorry this isn't much but it's 3:15 am and my brain is fried. I have green glitter all over myself and my head itches from my wig cap. I ate a tuna sandwich special and salad for dinner at the second venue and it was delish! I don't know what the scale will say in the morning but whatever it is I will face it with reality.

Day 82

Day 82 of 90

Today was long. radio work, rehearsals, lessons and a show. Very arduous but rewarding. I had a great beginning day with juice and veggies most of the day. After the show I made a bad choice. Falafal from the guy on the corner. "It's after a show" I said it as if it made it some sort of unicorn magic hour where calories don't matter. But I know they do. My lips are swollen up and have some kind of rash on them from it too. Onions? I don't know.

It's Halloween weekend and I will have 3 more shows before it's over. 3 more "after the show's" to make it right.

I'm down with that...

Day 81 Feeling better

Day 81 of 90

I am feeling better these days. Making better choices helps. I've been dying to get on the scale and see if I've lost any weight yet. Those two lbs really screwed me up. It was as if I wanted to fail. Every week I was losing weight and every week I felt surprised by it. That is guilt. I have a saying I tell my students " you're only nervous when you aren't prepared" and it's the truth here.

I have always been aware that I am an emotional eater. A "numb me" eater but it never feels like it when I'm IN it. It never does. I am also an eater that freaks out about certain flavor sensation/combinations. Some foods literally induce almost orgasmic reactions and it feels so great it registers as sex in my mind. The same chemical occurances.

My juicing and green drink intake is getting stronger and I am really staying away from any caffeine or sugars. I know that this 90 days is just the beginning. I am far from the end of my journey and PROMISE to start writing again every day. My word is my bond and I refuse to break it.

Day 77 I gained two pounds!

day 77 of 90

192 lbs

I didn't lose any weight this week. I actually gained! I'm not surprised really. I have been incorporating way too many "regular foods" and it's showing me that I will NEVER be able to eat like I used to again. There are some foods that should not go in my mouth at all. I just can't resist overeating them because of the taste.

I bought some Trader Joe's Chicken tenders with panko bread crumbs and basically recreated a number 6 for myself. Hot sauce, warmed tenders and a hamburger bun with mayo and lettuce. It was amazingly delish however. I didn't feel sick AT ALL which is not good.

If my body is getting used to these type of foods then it's waaaaaay too comfortable with them. Before if I made a bad choice I would tell immediately. Blood when i pooped, achey joints etc but now it seems like how I used to live. These things are normal. This is just how I live, feel etc.

But it's not! I keep saying I'm going to get back to more juicing, more raw but I'm lying to myself. The same friend who I'd written about on Weds called me up yesterday feeling angry about her second week slow weight loss. (Just like I have felt so many times) and I was telling her how I'm still angry about all of this. i Don't want to be fat, I don't want to be addicted to food. I don't want to accept that I'm a "large person". I don't want to have sore joints, muscles and organs yet I keep making bad choices.

So many friends who I have inspired are losing weight quickly and enjoying life more. I feel fantastic about that but am so ashamed that I've let myself down.

This must be the plateau the place where I make or break it.... which will it be?

Day 73 Almost there!

Day 73 of 90

It's hard to believe that I am so close to the end of this 90 day journey. I've had such a crazy time figuring out what's going on with myself. I have inspired quite a few people who have begun their own weight loss journeys (mostly through WW) and some have surpassed me with their weight loss. This made me jealous. At first. Then I remembered that this is NOT a competition with anyone or anything except MY LIFE.

I started this journey because I wanted to reduce my risk of heart disease, diabetes, stroke and not die like my Father at 49 (just 5 years away). So far I've reduced my cholesterol to normal limits and am well on my way to having my trigl at a normal limit as well.

I've lost 24 lbs but still have a long way to go. I weigh 190. Another 53 lbs. My goal is 137. I've had some people say "OMG that's too low!" Really? Look at the chart: http://www.healthchecksystems.com/heightweightchart.htm

this says that at a large frame at 5'4 is 131-154. Granted i haven't weighed that since middle school!

I am positive that I will never be too thin. I do find it interesting that a lot of people seem to feel threatened by my loss. Are they afraid I'll be in better shape than them? Who knows. I do have one friend who said her goal weight was 193. She is a gorgeous lady who looks amazing and probably dresses better than most small women I know.

Like me, she has gained and lost over 500 lbs in her life and confided in me that on her wedding day she was at her heaviest. I admired her and thought to myself "there is a lady who has accepted her "weight fate." She then told me how she lost weight afterwards and felt great. She is since divorced and now has an amazing man in her life who has also struggled with his weight. They are an awesome couple and I love seeing them together. So loving, supportive and together in trying to make good food choices.

She has no idea how much her words of encouragement mean to me. I'm hoping that we can encourage each other to better people, performers and pinups!

Day 70 Weight 190 for a total of 24 lbs

Day 70 of 90

By losing one pound this week I've lost 24 lbs total. Once again I'm blown away that I've still lost weight with what I consumed. I believe all the travel, shows and great eating habits these past few days helped. There are so many factors in this game. It was fantastic t be traveling with people who eat so well and are so fit! I actually did so much more than what I usually do on stage physically and I am actually sore from it!

I am absolutely exhausted and am hoping that tonight I catch up on sleep. I've averaged about 5 hours a night the past 3 days and that is awful for me.

I feel good today. I feel like these last 3 weeks will be a gift to myself. I want to push myself and see if I can lower my triglycerides to a normal level. 70 points in the first 5 weeks. Can I do 82 in the last 7? I'm hoping to get to 180 by then as well. Is that too ambitious? 10 lbs in 20 days?

Day 67 Days in between

Day 67 of 90

*sigh* I have been at about %50 of my usual will power since Sunday. I am back on the coffee/sugar/bread train and not happy about it. I spoke to Stanzi about this last week she said "just don't do it. It's your mind that decides" and she's right. But I'm not following it. For the past week I've had one cup of coffee in the morning with non dairy creamer and sugar in the raw. This is the worst way I can start my day. NO lemon water, no juice, no food. Just anxiety and diabetic fodder.

Seriously? I am an idiot. Sorry people but I am. I KNOW this is wrong. I feel terrible. My stomach hurts, I've got blood when I go to the bathroom (welcome back colitis) and my joints ache. It's like the gym. The longer you stay away the harder it is to get back on track.

I know this is why I've not written. It;s not because I'm busy, or stressed or anything. I am ashamed. I've gotten some great emails trying to help, trying to calm me down, trying to relate. I am going on a mini tour this weekend and am excited the folks are health nuts who should make it easier.

At a show (Drag Queen Bingo) last week while I was on stage I realized that if I didn't go to the bathroom RIGHT THEN I'd have another park poop incident so I left the stage. The famous drag Queen who was hosting didn't miss a beat and thank God didn't call attention to me leaving with a line like "OH look, there goes Shelly leaving during the show, don;t worry, no one will notice." She is notoriously sassy and I felt a sigh of relief when i returned and in a whispered voice asked if I was ok. When I told her I almost crapped my pants she died laughing and continued the game.

This happens EVERY time I eat something not on my new lifestyle plan. %100 of the time. Yet, I choose to repeatedly injure myself.

I want people to invent a pill like the one they give alcoholics that makes them sick if they drink. I take a pill and when I eat unhealthy choices my body reacts badly.

Oh wait, it already does that!

Day 63 Unbelievable! I lost another lb 21 lbs total.

Day 63 of 90

I am stunned. I lost a pound. After this crazy overeating week I STILL lost weight. I want to thank Nancy for the email she sent me. I was literally asking for help and she responded with some very kind and motivational words. This blog is about me sharing the journey I'm on and I do need support. I do need kind words. I do need motivation and I feel bad asking the readers for help and comments but I need it.

My whole life I've been told how strong I am. How stoic, how forthright but honestly I am human. Weak, frail, vulnerable. Just like everyone else in the world. I've always felt that when I reach out to people during these times they turn away. Unaware that they are unable to comfort me because they feel strange seeing someone whom they normally view as unmovable being shaken.

I am a born leader. However, I need to follow sometimes as well..

Day 60 2/3rds of the way there!

Day 60 of 90

I am at it again. Skipping days. Losing momentum. Sucking basically. Tues I got in a HUGE fight with el husbando and then proceeded to have a binge of french fries soda and donuts. I'm sure you can guess the results. Late night vomiting and joint pain.

I am really tired of this crap. I have also had coffee the last 3 mornings. Making me dizzy, upset stomach and irritable. WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING THIS! Do I seriously hate myself that much to risk everything again? I'm on the slipperiest slope that ever sloped.

The cold fall air isn't helping. I am so weak right now. Help me.

Day 56 20 lbs lost What a week!

Day 56 of 90

Weight 194

Four day shave passed. 4. Since I last made an entry. A lot has gone on this week. Funerals, Festivals and food. I made some less than perfect choices with my food intake including at some points over the last 4 days, egg rolls, chocolate, coffee, sugar, chicken, shrimp and cheese. Not clean living I'd say. I was petrified that I'd gained and maybe i did but lost it again because I was 194.3 this morning. 4 away from the 180's.

The New York Burlesque Festival was this weekend and it was great to see so many people who I hadn't seen in awhile. A lot of people commented on how great I looked. I was beyond the moon because a very reputable musician and musical director at a great club here in NYC saw me perform and said he wanted to book me. This is a place where I've always wanted to audition for but was afraid of my weight. They are notorious for getting only slender ladies to perform (with the exception of the brilliant and bodacious legendary Dirty Martini) and he asked ME! I know it wasn't based on my looks but rather the awesome performance I gave and I felt awesome.

I am beyond excited to start planning on some music for the shows. From there I get my own show.... It's happening people.. it's happening...

Day 52 Micronutrients rock

Day 52 of 90

I did pretty good today making it only on juice again.

Breakfast Juice:

Lemon, ginger, fennel, yellow pepper, broccoli, celery, apple, kale and carrot

Lunch Juice:

Red cabbage, kale, cucumber, pear, carrot, ginger,spinach and lettuce

Dinner was the leftover juice.

When I came home from my show after 12 I felt very very hungry and broke down and had a can of tuna with avocado, pepper and lime juice.

I know it's still a great choice but I am disappointed that I didn't make it the full day. I want to... scratch that ...

I NEED to get back on track. I could already tell the wonderful juices I drank today kicked the crap out of my system. I know I am not where I was when I started, but not doing juicing so strictly had me making some not so great food choices.

Am I pussing out? I hope not. I just want to play it safe. I've only had 52 days. If I were an alcoholic would I go hang out at bars with just 52 days? Well, if I was looking for an excuse disguised as "real life situations" maybe I would, but if I wanted to keep my sobriety I would follow a plan that I KNEW worked.

Eating raw and some cooked vegetarian has given me more taste, and with more taste comes a desire for "more" in general. It's strange because when I eat something that's good for me and tastes good I'm sated. When I eat something fatty or sweet, I just... want... more...

I don't know exactly how my bad choices conquered the good this past week but I'm in a fight for my life here so I'm going to persevere!

Day 50/51 What the hell

Day 50/51 of 90

These past two days have been reckless. After the death of an associate and Clinton being away again I found myself drinking decaf coffee with soymilk, I also ate some cookies leftover from my student recital tonight. Cranberry oatmeal drizzled with white fudge and one caramel black sea salt candy bar

( I know, I know, I know.. sheesh...why keep buying them if I'm going to slip on occasion?) Because I am a jack ass that's why. I seem to want to kill myself with food. I must be on a mission to defy logic and ONLY feed my wants and not needs. Why else would I be 1 lb from my first 20 lb goal and then start acting like an idiot?

STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! Do NOT fuck this up Shelly!!

I HAVE TO GO BACK TO JUST PLAIN JUICING FOR A BIT.

I NEED TO RECOUP.

I CAN'T BE TRUSTED ALONE WITH FOOD YET

why am I yelling? Because I'm scared that's why. Fucking terrified.

Breakfast Juice: kiwi, cucumber, carrot, apple, pear, kale, lemon, ginger and spinach

snack decaf coffee with soy milk millet bread (completely gross by the way but wheat and gluten free)

Lunch: Almond/pecan mix, tuna, avocado

Dinner: leftover Juice, two TBs almond butter, broccoli, celery, strawberries, grapes cookies, candy bar

Day 49 Weigh in Week. I lost two pounds :-)

Day 49 of 90

Oh happy day! I lost two more lbs of unwanted fleshy bits for a total of 19 lbs lost. I REALLY wanted that 20 lb mark but I'm ok with losing two. It's better than one and certainly better than none! I had a rough week this week too so I'm happy I still lost. I increased my exercise but didn't do one of the 3 workouts I'd promised Stanzi. When I check in with her tomorrow we will discuss it for sure.

Had a great day out and about with el husbando and Zelda. I ate almost normally...

Breakfast:

MY FIRST COOKED ONE IN 49 DAYS!

egg whites with mushrooms, tomatoes, onions and avocado

1/2 pear 1/2 slice oh wheat berry toast

Lunch:

Quinoa and vegetables (zucchini and squash)

Strawberry, blackberry, blueberry smoothie with soy milk (and a few wood chips because like a dumbass I used it to stir while it was on)

Snack: cucumber, apple, kiwi, kale, lemon and ginger juice

Dinner: will be sushi and Juice

47/48 Mid Journey Weirdness

Day 48 of 90

I just can't seem to get motivated to write every day anymore. I think that even my writing is getting lamer? I don't know if it's the newness wearing off or what. What constitutes new anyway? How long is something done before it's routine and not new? I don't know. I do know that I am being very daring with my whole foods. I am not eating raw every day. I am juicing and I am eating pescetarian.

I had some bread tonight. Flourless, sprouted wheatberry bread and I can feel my joints swelling as I type. My knees and elbows. I also had a regular cup of coffee this morning. HUGE mistake. I felt nauseous, tweaked out and just plain wrong but something kept me on it. I fought with myself about how I must love torturing myself and took one last sip and poured out the rest. I just felt I had to have it! But I didn't need it as I had it I could feel it's effects.

When I was a kid I had to "teach" myself to smoke. That is, no one ever picks up a cig, inhales and doesn't cough the first time. Hell, the first dozen times it's not until we "get used to" this practice. Can coffee be the same? Why would anyone start? Or restart? I also ate an ice cream sandwich. What an idiot! Tomorrow is my weigh in day as well. I can try and hide from myself but I can't from the scale. Maybe I just feel shame and that's why I didn't write.

Breakfast: Celery, beet, apple, carrot, lemon, ginger, fennel and spinach Juice

Lunch Tuna with avocado and himilayan sea salt

Snack: Hummus and celery

Dinner; 1 piece bread with almond butter, 2 whole wheat crackers and 2 tbs hummus

one ice cream sandwich :-(

The sad thing is that it tasted very chemically. So why did I finish it? PLEASE PLEASE don't let me fall of the wagon! I am only 1/2 way there. HELP

Day 45/46 1/2 way there!

Day 46 of 90

Here I am again writing in after two days. Am I slacking? I don't know. I've been pretty busy these past two days but it's no excuse.

I started the first of my 10 weeks of Philosophy class. It was interesting. It was strange, I found out that a lot of what Philosophy is I am using currently and always have. The word means Philo=Love and Sophy/ia is the goddess of Wisdom so, in essence the love of wisdom. That has always been me. Seeking more, wanting more info. I feel it with what I'm eating and want to do it in my every moment if possible.

For homework, they asked us to ask ourselves in all situations "What would a wise person do in this situation". This also applies to the way I eat. So valid. I'm excited to find out what other things will line up with the classes.

I can't believe I am 1/2 way through the 90 days. I definitely feel a change but I also feel like I am teetering and I want to stay on the healthy path. I need to convince my brain that this is the lifestyle I CHOOSE. Every day. Because it is what's best. Not what tastes best. Not what brings me most joy, but what is healthiest for me.

Breakfast: pear, apple, carrot, spinach, lemon, kale, cucumber and ginger

Lunch: Bowl of tuna and avocado

Green drink

Snack: Almonds, pecans,

Dinner: mango, green apple, whole wheat tortilla and black beans

Day 43/44 Did that really happen? *Not for the faint of heart*

Day 44 of 90

Wow. A lot has happened. Last night I was molested (god I hate that word) on the street by a group of guys. They groped me and violated me with their hands. I got out pretty unscathed but was very shaken. I was molested, accused of being an under cover cop trying to trap someone, then called a transvestite all within 30 minutes. It was not a good night. I missed my gig and my husband was out of town.

As I rode home I started to think " something terrible happened. I should comfort myself with food." I was AWARE of what I was thinking. I didn't just eat and then wonder why I did. I talked myself out of it but when I awoke this morning things were different. I woke up with a thought in my head "I want to feel NORMAL" and somehow that translated into me wanting a cup of coffee as I normally would have before my journey. So I had a cup of coffee (decaf) with flavored non dairy hazelnut creamer. It tasted wonderful! Just as I remembered!

As I got to the bottom of the first cup I wanted more of that flavor so i had another cup although my stomach was protesting it's acidic content after 44 days of non consumption. I drank it and then felt gross. "I need something in my stomach because I'm going to be riding my bike for over an hour and won't be home for two hours but juice and coffee would be nasty so I'll have a piece of toast." That turned into two. One smeared with almond butter and one smeared with 1/2 an avocado. That toast tasted great but immediately I felt bloated.

I then went to therapy and talked about what happened last, how I didn't eat afterwards and how i had coffee and toast to feel "normal" and that it wasn't as bad at it could have been (the assault and associated food issue)

and how lucky I was. I then rode to Trader Joe's to get groceries before el husbando came home. I bought what was on the list and then I bought more for me to eat. Alone. As I shopped for those personal secret items it was as if I had two separate minds. It wasn't that the one that pushes out discipline and righteousness was gone, it was just put aside by the one that tells you everything will be alright and has a hedonistic and nurturing promise.

Notice I said promise. Because very rarely does that come without a price. Want to have sex with a stranger unprotected? Risk STD's. Want to drink booze and do coke like a rock star? Risk losing a lot of money and self respect. Want to tan every chance you get to be dark and gorgeous? Risk cancer and wrinkles. Want to eat bacon, cookies and deep fried foods? Risk heart disease and diabetes.

I came home and ate 3 TJ Panko crusted chicken strips and 3/4 a container of dark chocolate caramels. I then washed those down with 1/2 cup of skim milk, followed by one slice provolone cheese and 6 crackers. I had to teach one lesson and then I went to the farmers market to get my vegetables (what a joke after eating all that crap!) when I got back home I ate some more caramels and then felt very, very sick but that didn't stop me because I ate two or three more and then decided to go for a walk in the park with Zelda.

I decided to make it an extra long one to try and make up for the fact that I binged so hard on things I hadn't eaten in SO long. All that dairy! Processed flour! Meat! As I neared the end of my walk my stomach cramped up. Holy shit! Literally... I had to go NOW. Right NOW! There are hardly an restrooms in Central park and after dark they're all closed. I got as far as I could and then I did what almost no one would do. I crapped in the park. I had to! It was that or in my pants. And having done that before? I opted for the grass.

Very ironic that I'd watched Zelda poop so many times and waited for her to finish as I held a baggie. Now she watched me crouched in the bushes probably wondering "WTF is this?!?" I could see people riding bikes by, people sitting on benches but hoped that no one saw me. I made it home and went again. I imagine I will go again and may barf in the middle of the night too.

I actually made myself feel worse not better. Lesson learned? Who the fuck knows. All I know is I feel barfy and remorseful about once again doing something that I think is rewarding me but is, in fact, hurting me.

Day 42 Lost 1 more lb for total of 17 lm loss

Day 42 of 90

Well today was my weigh in day. 197. Only 3 lbs away from losing 20 lbs in 6 weeks. I'd really like to get that goal next week. I'm happy I'm losing every week evenly at 1,2 lbs but I'd love another 4-5 lb week loss as well. It's the little bumps that help so much.

Met up with a bunch of my pals who are Moms. Hot Moms. Moms of two kids and still in better shape than me.

I'll get there. Slowly but surely.

One huge difference I can tell is that my hormones have leveled out some. It used to be that before my period I would swell up, ache, get bloated, severe cravings, dizziness etc... but now I just feel typical things ie: lower back pain and cramps. It's another small blessing.

Tonight was sushi night and I was glad but didn't finish what we ordered for the first time ever.

Breakfast: blackberry, blueberry, apple, cucumber, carrot, kale, lemon and kiwi

Lunch: Avocado, onion, celery, broccoli sprouts, pumpkin seed salad

Dinner:

Tuna sashimi, yellowtail, cucumber avocado roll, edmamme, california roll

Day 40/41 My blood tests are back!

Day 41 of 90

I wanted to write yesterday but as I'd said on Thurs my internet has been crappy and it went out that night until today when they came and "fixed" it. It was actually a downgrade in speed somehow, so, sorry for no entry yesterday. Anyway...

I am happy to report that my blood tests came back! I went right to my cholest to check what results I had

FROM TO SHOULD BE

HDL 43 37 >=46

LDL 102 103 <130

Total 207 186 125-200

Triglycerides 309 232 < 150

In Roughly 5 weeks I lowered my Total level by 21 points which radically reduces my risk of diabetes, heart disease and stroke. And, I lowered my Trigl by 70 points!! In 39 days. NO medication !! I am still at a pretty high number but still a great improvement! I need to lower it by at least 82 more points to be out of the woods. I also need to increase my GOOD cholest as well. I'm surprised with all those yummy avocados I've been eating :-) Time to do some more research. I want to start adding more stuff to my current menu...

Breakfast: Kiwi, celery, carrot, green apple, lime, lemon, ginger, cucumber and kale

Lunch: avocado with tuna, onion, relish and pumpkin seeds, mango

Green Drink

Snack: Raw Almond/pecan mix

Dinner: avocado with tuna, onion, relish and pumpkin seeds

I had an INSANE craving for tuna fish salad today. So I made some. I know the tuna was cooked before but it seemed "raw" because it was room temperature :-) I didn't get sick. Oh wait, you mean what I made today was healthy? Not like the #6 I barfed up on 57th street and 8th Ave. I made it so I know what was in it. The relish seemed sooo sweet so I literally put just 1/2 a forkful in. I put it all in a bowl and it was scrumptious!!

It's a slow introduction into cooking veggies as the fall weather approaches. My cravings are being set off by fall smells too. Pumpkin spiced muffins, warm bread, apple spice candles, hot soup... *sigh*

Today's awesome results gave me a nice little boost. I needed it.

Day 39 Coming round the bend

Day 39 of 90

My internet has been so screwy today. I got my blood drawn today and should have the results by MOnday! I'm excited. Not nervous, but excited to see what great things I've done to my body on the inside. I'm almost half way through this journey and am really trying to stay in the now.

I tried on some more of my clothes today that had been put away and they fit :-) Tiny rewards like that. I went a bit of track today though. I ate bread. I ate two whole-wheat Martin's potato rolls. With almond butter. No big whoop on the AB but once I had that first roll, I immediately wanted another and just like the tortilla incident I ate another one.

Will I ever learn that self control? Am I that alcoholic who is saying "Oh I can have one beer" . It's frustrating. Mainly because it set me off on wanting to have more of that satisfaction taste wise. Delicious bread.

I joined a 10 week class on Philosophy that starts next week. I can't think of a better time to delve into some of life's questions than while I'm delving into life's banquet options.

Breakfast:

Kale, cucumber, green apple, carrot, ginger, lemon, parsley and kiwi

Lunch: Japanese Salad

Snack, 2 tbs hummus, handful of pecan/almond mix and blueberries/blackberries

Dinner 2 almond butter sandwiches on Martins Potato Rolls

Snack 2 Tbs Hummus, 4 strawberries, celery

Day 38 Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Day 38 of 90

I sense a trend. I'm beginning to skip days in my entries. I will stop that immediately! I need to write every day. I need to continue with honesty and openness. These past two days have been good. I reconnected with Stanzi on Monday and we talked a lot about what's blocking me exercise wise. The last time I got my heart rate up really high I had a panic attack. I think my body mistook adrenaline for fear, or more likely, chose to put fear behind the adrenaline vs that adrenaline of excitement, thrill, etc...

I want to be that runner. My friend Rick T runs every day. He also eats a shit ton of "crappy" food.. chili dogs, bacon wrapped burgers, deep fried cheese and I've often wondered if the reason he is so dedicated to running is so he can eat all that fatty food and stay so slim. His wife BJ too. (ok Rick, time to answer..lol)

I also have another friend Mazz whose said "of all the people I know, I'd have expected you to enjoy getting all sweaty and kicking ass". She is a huge inspiration to me. Triple black belt in Hap Ki Do and could give Angela Basset a run for her money in the "gun show." I think she's right. It IS shocking that I don't treat my body as an awesome vehicle instead of it being an anchor.

I go to the docs tomorrow to FINALLY get my blood work done. It will take a week to get the results too. It is beginning to feel like a lifestyle but I'm not fooling myself. There is a doughnut lurking around every corner...

Breakfast Juice: Celery, 2 tomatoes, 1 clove garlic, 2 carrots, spinach, kale and beet

Lunch: pecans, 1/2 avocado, 1 green apple, Green drink

Dinner: "Burritos" guacamole, salsa and zucchini wrapped in lettuce leaves

Snack: Almond butter, green apple

Lemon waters

Day 35 and broke 200!

Day 35 of 90

I weighed myself this morning and was 198! One-derland! Total 16 lbs lost. It's taken me two days to make an entry. I've been busy but honestly I've also been mourning. This time of year is always so hard for me. I personally lost so much during and after 9/11 that I find my anxiety, nausea, dizziness and panic attacks are more prominent. I can honestly say that for the first time in 10 years I didn't feel anywhere NEAR as nervous. Could it be my new body chemistry? I'm not sure but I was able to fight the urge to get bacon/egg/cheese on a roll and chocolate milk. That was my favorite "happy" breakfast. Or biscuits and gravy, but as I've said before I could eat biscuits and gravy EVERY day! I didn't.

I had some almond butter and berries with water and lemon. I had to have something non juiced since I left the house at 8:20 am to go downtown and sing for the Battalion 2 Memorial Mass. Over 1,200 fire/police men and women honoring their dead. It was very moving. The first time I've ventured out on this day since 2001.

When I came home I was very hungry. I made a watermelon, fennel, kale, ginger, apple, meyer lemon, cucumber, carrot and celery juice for myself and el husbando. Delicious and I was actually craving it!

I am going to go for a long walk and enjoy my afternoon with ZElda and Clint. This is what life is about.

Day 33 Squeezing my fat sometimes feels good.

Day 33 of 90

I tried to call my doc today to make an appt but he's gone until next week. So, I have to wait another week to find out what my blood levels are. I had a show tonight and a few of the gals said how glowing my skinned looked. I asked one girl if she could see a difference in my body at all since she saw me at my bday party a month ago and she said no. I appreciated her honesty but was hoping for a yes.

I can feel a difference and like the way I feel I have to say. I still want coffee in the morning for the taste and ritual but now have juice. I still smell pizza and drool but I have smoothie/soup instead. I still want a big ass Dr Pepper but I have homemade seltzer water and lemon.

It's great to have el husbando as a cheering squad. He's always SO positive and it's amazing to have him in my life. I want to be healthy so i can enjoy a long life with him and the monkey doodles.

I think a lot of my weight issues stem from protecting myself. As grossed out as I am by my body I also find myself squeezing my belly rolls when I'm in bed because it's comforting. Am I remembering squeezing a boob and getting nutrition? Our subconscious works in such mysterious ways. It's virtually impossible to pinpoint exact memory/lifestyle shapings. Does this make sense? An example might be someone who enjoys the feeling of being smothered. They might just have a memory from being a baby and being swaddled and therefore secure. It's all so woven together yet all hypothetical...

I'll be having a chat with Stanzi on Mon. As I said it will be great to hear what she has so say and offer up.

Breakfast Juice: Kiwi, kale, spinach, Meyer lemon, carrot, apple and cucumber

Lunch; Kale, spinach, mixed baby greens, 1 avocado, 1/2 cob corn niblets, pumpkin seeds , 1 pear

dressing: dates/lemon/OO

Green drink (all out and need to get more)

Dinner: 2 piece watermelon, 3 celery, 2 tbsp almond butter

Day 32 Rainy days and Frito Lays

Day 32 of 90

Today was my full teaching day and it's always difficult to plan ahead for eating. I had one student who came I could smell the Honey BBQ twist Fritos she'd eaten. I knew EXACTLY what that smell was. I hadn't eaten them in about 7 years. I remember it was the last summer my brother in law had his fishing boat and my niece was still in high school. Her and her friend brought them on a trip to the lake end I ate the whole bag on the boat! That summer I became obsessed with them. Stuffed them in my sandwiches, straight out the bag and always with soda. Ah soda, the sweet, cold carbonated "toothpaste" of junk food. It'll clean out any funky particles and then set you up for round two of the eating cycle.. salty..sweet...salty...sweet... etc...

Being able to smell them on her told me a lot about myself that's for sure. I remember events by food. I can also remember events by what people were wearing but my food recollection is intense.

I had a short window of time to get my veggie shopping done and it was pouring rain outside so as I rode my bike home I thought to myself "well at least the dirt is getting washed off!" It's shocking the difference in price between organic and not. Almost triple the price! Celery at Stiles in $1. Organic celery at the market is $2.99. I try and follow the cheat sheet which is mainly hard skinned, peeled fruit and veggies are ok non organic but all leafy greens and soft skins should be organic. Makes sense but it is so true... eating crappy is so much cheaper. Spaghettios, ramen, canned peaches and oatmeal cookies from the 99 cent store can feed you for a week. I wonder what Spaghettios would taste like to me now? Oh man. I used to love that shit! Cold, right outta the can. So white trash I know. But this is from a girl whose Daddy loved Peanut butter mayonnaise sandwiches!

No wonder I got to where I was!

Breakfast:

Fennel. meyer lemon, cucumber, celery, spinach, kale, ginger and fennel

Lunch: Avocado, parsley and corn with lime and pepper, raspberries, blackberries, watermelon

green drink.

Dinner, 2 Tbsp almond butter, celery, pear, watermelon

Lemon waters

Day 31 The Perfect Plan

Day 31 of 90

I am a bit frustrated with my journey and a lot confused. I will be getting back in touch with Stanzi this week now that Irene and the holiday is over. It's always great to talk to her.

I'm not really sure where to go from here but I am liking the idea of doing 5-5-5.

5 all juice days then 5 day juice and food. Repeat.

It was a bit cold today and I desired cooked food. I wanted cooked vegetables. I made zucchini, peppers, onions and garlic for Clint and I really wanted to eat some. I do know cooking veggies removes a lot of the nutrients so I'm not sure. I think the nut butters have to go. I think it's too much like candy for me. Fuck. I hate saying that.

I want a dark chocolate black sea salt caramel bar from TJ's right now. I want a plate of nachos. A Red Robin Teryiaki chicken sandwich with fries.

I need to feel pure again food wise and when I was juicing I did. I know it's not "real" though. My psyche perceives it as a wonderland of Ponce De Leon possibilities. Juicing will not give me everything I need in my diet. Or can it? Is it possible? Everything except fiber perhaps.

Who eats toast, turkey bacon and egg whites? a grand latte and croissant? a salad for breakfast?

It's as if I am an alien who came to this planet and is utterly overwhelmed with the expansive consumptive choices given to humans every single day.

Why not eat the same thing every day? The perfect plan. The EXACT nutritional formula for optimal success in health and fitness.

If only it were that easy

Breakfast juice Kale, spinach. lime, lemon, apple, fennel, cucumber, ginger

Lunch Carrot ginger soup (blended with avocado) rasp/blackberries

Dinner: spinach, red leaf, romaine, pumpkin seeds, pear, carrot, zucchini, corn salad with almond butter dressing and the rest of the soup.

Day 30 You can't always get what you want

Day 30 of 90

14 lbs lost

200.4 lbs

I've come to realize that this is a long haul journey and not a fad. I weighed myself today and only lost 1.5 lbs. Which puts me at 200.2 lbs. That was in 9 days! STILL in the 200's. I am not really sure how that's working unless the two tortillas and tuna roll made that much of a difference?! I still have a bit of animosity about it but it is a loss none the less.

Am I eating not enough/ too many calories? Protein? Carbs? I have no idea. I just naturally assumed that by eating nothing but fruits/vegetables and nuts I'd lose a lot of weight in addition to cleaning out my insides. But perhaps calories in and calories out apply with no matter what you're eating. Come to think of it, I've seen plenty of porky vegetarians...

If it takes me 6 mos to lose all the weight I want to lose (80 lbs from my start date now 66 lbs) then so be it. If it takes me a year then so be it. If I lose another 15 this month, then another 15 the next, that will be 45 lbs and that should at least get me out of the obese range and into just overweight. The following months after that will be a breeze and I'll be ready for spring!

Breakfast Juice Kale, spinach, two lemons, carrot, ginger, red leaf lettuce, green apple

Lunch; Almond butter 2 Tbs, one mango, green drink

Dinner: green apple, lettuce, date dressing, corn, spinach

leon waters

Day 29 A little bit of this and a whole lotta that

Day 29 of 90

I spent most of the day working with el husbando at the office taking care of trying to combine two spaces into one. It felt great to use my arms and spend some time with him being active. It seems easier for me when I have a task to complete.

I don't know why but EVERY time I am alone and get my heart rate up I begin to panic. It's very very strange. I don't know why and I'm tired of it. Has anyone else ever experienced this? Or have a clue as to why? We also walked to and from his office so that was a nice 2 miles.

I feel like I am slipping. Since I'd only had juice that morning I was ravenous on the way home from the work. I made a stop at Go-Sushi and had a spicy tuna roll with brown rice and cucumber. It wasn't even that amazing but I just wanted food. Last night it was two tortillas and today a sushi roll. What tomorrow? Oh God, I want to stay on this path. I need this.

I am terrified about tomorrow's weigh in. Am I being silly? I guess we'll see in the morning.

Breakfast Juice: Kale, lemon, ginger, carrot, cucumber, apple

Lunch: Spicy Tuna roll

Dinner: Watermelon, 1/2 avocado with lemon and pepper, almonds

Lemon Waters, green drink

So although I had a lot of what is nutritiously good and raw there were little discrepancies.

Day 28 Getting closer to the one month mark!

Day 28 of 90

Hard to believe that I will be completing 30 days so soon. It seems both long and short. I had another show tonight and everyone was eating (supper club food). The place smelled so great and I was a bit overwhelmed. At one point I'd asked the stage kitten to get me a seltzer water and she brought back a sprite. I knew the first big gulp it wasn't seltzer. The first real sugar I've had in almost 30 days! It tasted crazy sweet! I panicked. "Oh shit! What is this going to do to me?" BUt fortunately it was a very busy night so the evening flew by.

I made a big mistake though. Well, actually two.

1) I didn't eat before I went out tonight.

I had to leave by 6:30 and it was a full day so no prep ahead time. When I arrived for the second show at 10pm I was even more hungry. I drank two waters there and planned to have something when I got home. I got home about 12am and saw that el husbando had had a mini feast! Cookies, ice cream, candy and a sandwich. I got so mad! Not because he ate that stuff for him but that he'd eaten it all without me! I was also angry that I "couldn't" have any tried really hard to remember I CHOSE this. It isn't a punishment. It's a gift. Wrestling with your fatty conscious is brutal. Which leads me to the other mistake

2) I emotionally reacted and ate two whole wheat tortillas.

I was angry eating. How the hell was that supposed to "teach ____ a thing or two!" I punished myself by subconsciously rewarding myself. Did I lose you? Sorry.

What I mean is ... I needed a way to be angry at someone. A scapegoat. It wasn't el husbando. It was me. I was so deeply jealous (it was Ben and Jerry's limited batch of German chocolate cake for fucks sake!) and It felt such an injustice but i couldn't see that was the source. So, the "good/healthy" side battled the "evil/unhealthy" side and the evil side said "You think you can tell me what to do? Ha! I'll show you!" However, by eating the tortillas I was also soothing the Good side by giving it something "forbidden."

The first one was for that. The second one my addiction. That tortilla tasted like the whole wheat was ground by the thighs of a beautiful Mexican woman and mixed with holy water to create a doughy, delicious delight. As soon as I had the first bite my brain kicked in "make another one. Now! This one will be over sooner than you think. Then what? HOw will you get that taste back?"

My brian obliged. I'm not happy about it. I sure as hell hope I'm not doing some weird sabotage thing since it's so close to my weigh in...

Breakfast Juice

Kale, apple, ginger, lettuce, cucumber

green drink

Snack: handful of raw almonds

Lunch

3 slices Watermelon

Burritos ( chili/cumin flavored guacamole with salsa wrapped in romaine leaves)

Dinner

Two whole wheat tortillas

Day 27 NOt a drop to drink? More like water, water everywhere and I've just got to pee!

Day 27 of 90

It was a beautiful day outside. My radio segment recording went smoothly, I was able to wear a skirt and belt I hadn't been able to wear in awhile and I went to a fantastic birthday party and fell in love with her home! So cute and awesome. Loved it. Gave me a lot of ideas. I also can't weight to lose enough wait to play dress up with her.

I found myself helping her prepare the food for everyone (i volunteered) and I loved being a part of the food. Especially looking at the sandwiches. I was pissed when el husbando ate it so nonchalantly. He didn't even describe the flavors until I asked him! I don't know why but I love to hear the description of what people are eating. The hostess said she'd ordered a giant plate of veggies and fruit because she knew I'd be coming. After I took plates out to everyone I went into the room where the fruit was and picked out all the parts I wanted. I knew that is was to be my dinner so I got:

Dinner: black/rasp/straw and blueberries, pineapple, watermelon, baby carrots, broccoli, cucumbers, cauliflower and a handful of almonds.

Lunch: Avocado, spinach, kale, romaine salad with olive oil and lemon

Breakfast: Kale, spinach, apple, ginger, lemon and cucumber

Green drink lemon waters and regular water.

Speaking of... I have have been downing the water like crazy and am in the bathroom literally every 30 minutes. The past two nights I've slept like crap because I had to get up for four times to pee! I'm not sure how many hours I should stop drinking water before I go to bed. Any suggestions?

Day 26 Choices, choices...

Day 26 of 90

I feel like I'm a bit stuck. I'm beginning to obsess about being under 200 by Monday. (I figured out 30 days would be Monday not Sunday) I took a 2 mile walk with Zelda today and it felt nice. Easier now that it's not freakin 89 degrees and %100 humidity. It's hard to believe how much walking up and down 5 flights of stairs 3 times a day for 16 years can do for you without even noticing! Well, not noticing until they're gone... I only live 3 flights now and their much smaller and , I rarely ever take them because I didn't have an elevator for 16 years! Oh! The irony! (insert dramatic fake New Hampshire accent)

I can feel my body a bit differently now and have noticed that my skin seems dry. Obviously I need to get much more water in. At first it was so easy but now it seems between the 2 lemon waters and one green drink a day I don't want it. It's easy for me to drink it carbonated but I'd read that carbonation creates acid in the body!

I'm also getting a bit tired of eating the same foods but not the juices. I crave food don't get me wrong but salads and cold soups get a bit boring. I'm excited to see what Stanzi and I can come up with for the middle leg of this journey. We are reconnecting on Monday after a much deserved vacation for her and her beautiful family.

I'm going to a birthday/housewarming tomorrow and am thinking of bringing something raw so I can munch on stuff during the party. Or, maybe I should just not eat at the party? An exercise in will power? Hmm... what would you do?

Breakfast Juice

1 Green apple, 2 cups spinach, 3 bunches kale, 1 cucumber, parsley, lemon, ginger, watermelon, 4 stalks celery

Lunch

Green drink

curry cauliflower soup ( the last time I make this, I made it before and didn't care for it either time, the only recipe Stanzi gave me that I didn't like)

1/2 mango

Snack

handful of raw almonds

Dinner

spinach, romaine, 1/2 avocado, cucumber/dill dressing, 1/4 cup corn, 1 med pear

Day 25 Taste bud Teasers

Day 25 of 90

I'm a bit tired today. My father in law decided to just fly home instead of try and wait for yet another train. It was great having them. They're very supportive and a lot of fun. I think I enjoyed cooking for everyone so much because as I'd said before, if I can't eat it I want to watch someone eat it instead!

Today was my long teaching day as well. It's always hard to get food or extra juicing in because of the prep. There isn't a lot of "just eat" foods. Fruit is the easiest but I'm trying to stay away from over indulging in the sugars. I wish I could get my taste buds to be stoked over biting into a tomato or some celery but it just doesn't pack enough punch for me. I'm a sauce FREAK. I think I could make any meals out of just sauce and bread! Let's see...

Olive Garden breadsticks and Alfredo sauce (I dream of it's warm, salty, creamy goodness!)

Sizzler cheddar toast and the Chicken hibachi sauce (Sizzlers are in Calif)

Garlic Naan and tikka masala sauce (or any indian sauce really)

Biscuits and Gravy

Crusty baguette with olive oil and balsamic vinegar

Garlic toast and Marinara

The list goes on and on and on and on... Although the kale, spinach and carrots taste good I'm dealing with 40 years of food memory. It's like asking a circus bear to return to the wild and fend for himself. Ok, maybe it isn't but you get the picture. It is a daily struggle and I'm fighting the urge to stigmatize foods as bad or good. Punishment or reward. Food has always been a reward for women. Men experience this as well but I've found women are much more food motivated then men. Women are willing to do to a lot to compensate food intake like wear spanx from head to toe, eat one day and then not the next, smoke instead of eat, exercise furiously or good ol bulimia or anorexia. I'm changing my relationship with food. It is NOT just for taste. Do I only wear satin and cashmere because it feels the best? No. Do I only wear green because it's my favorite color? No. I need to be the same with food.

Stanzi's emails have proven to be somewhat of a manual. Plenty of questions to keep my mind occupied and my soul being searched. I'm finding it hard to GET motivated about more exercise. I see myself doing it but I just don't. I also need to increase my water intake. I've only had about 2 liters today and I should be drinking about 4 liters.

I had some social things tonight and it was curious just ordering seltzer water the whole evening. No nightclub or celebration food. Just me drinking up the agua and burning calories by trying to keep my legs together while sitting on a bar stool. No easy task for a large lady.. try it you'll see..

Juice Breakfast:

1 Cucumber

1 Bunch Kale, Spinach and celery

1 Lemon

1/2 inch ginger

2 apples

Parsley

Lunch

Raspberries, mango and avocado salad

Green drink

Dinner

spinach, romaine, pumpkin seeds, almond butter dressing

Lemon waters

Day 24 Weight Loss so far is 13 lbs

Day 24 of 90

I know it's early but I weighed myself as soon as I got up. I lost 3 lbs. I'm happy because I'm consistently losing but I really wanted to be under 200 lbs. I can see the 201. 4 oz. just starting at me. Is that 1.4 last night's bloating? Water retention? I'll never know. But I am going to focus on the fact that I still LOST weight even though I ate sushi last night. It wasn't the massive binge-and-barf-on-the-streets from last week but I still feel guilty. I feel like I've set this goal of raw/juicing for 90 days and I should be as disciplined as possible. This is about my health and I could feel the swelling in my joints, feet and elbows come back. Is this "paying for it?"

We hear that phrase with drinking but other food addicts will know what a food hangover is. I also call it "Happy Birthday Tummy." This is where you eat everything in sight because it's you're (or someone else's :-) Birthday?

I was also pretty edgy this morning and became enraged at a Time Warner "customer service." Not cool. No reason to get so cray-cray over something like $21.04 but the injustice meter in me goes off the charts

and I lose it. I can't stand it. Wouldn't even a Buddhist Monk want to Chuck Norris the shit outta somebody if they ever had to deal with a NYC TWC employee? I've come to accept the fact that NYC is the best place to get the worst service at ANYTHING. Whether buying a pair of socks, dealing with cable or going to a restaurant.

As I said and I have decided to weight myself on Sunday to go back to the once a week on the same day. I think I can lose that 1.4 lbs by then! I am also getting my first of the 3 monthly blood tests done next month. I'm excited to see where my numbers are now!

Day 23 Does my will power suck?

Day 23 of 90

Tomorrow I weigh myself. One full week from ending a maintained menu and on my own again so to speak. My in laws had their Amtrak train cancelled again so my MIL flew straight to Ga from here and my FIL leaves tomorrow. They'd left us $60 to take ourselves out to dinner for having everything served to them this week (my pleasure) but since the FIL stayed. He really wanted to eat in a restaurant... but where I could eat as well...(which are not close at all) so we decided to try this place called Otarian. It was vegetarian but there were no raw options and their salad bar was kind of nasty with only kale and beets. I thought if I was going to eat something non raw it would have to be something I REALLY love. So, I said I wanted sushi. And, I ate sushi. Boy did I eat sushi...

2 sashimi yellow tail

4 spicy tuna pieces

2 yellowtail pieces

3 yellowtail/tuna/avocado pieces

1/2 cup edmamme

soy sauce, ginger slivers and wasabi

Why did I eat it? Aren't I serious about this 90 day journey? How serious am I if once a week I have a meal that isn't completely raw or juiced? I think I probably had 1/2 cup rice total on the sushi and some of the rolls had "crunch" in them which I think are Panko crumbs. I don't want this to be a pattern. Please. Don't let it be a pattern. The sodium/salt from the soy sauce alone probably shocked my system. How will this affect my weight loss? Water retention? Calories?

I do not want to get sick. My stomach doesn't feel like immediately barfing like last Tues #6 incident but I feel so FULL. Bloated really. I'd begun to feel less puffy (or marshmallowy as my sister said) but right now I feel kind of gross. And fat. I used to love this feeling but right now I feel weighted down. I can't really explain it. A better choice would have just been the seaweed and fish. But I don't like the way that tastes! I like a super wasabi and soy mixture and dunking each piece...

I'd said I would be under 200 tomorrow. I am scared. I want to say that this upcoming week I'll be more strict. The first time was at the end of the 10 day LC program and this was night 7 of my first combo/week. This second "cheat" is a few days earlier only one week.

I think I will add a daily exercise regiment as well to spark things up...

Lemon Water

Morning Juice:

Carrots, cucumbers, spinach, kale, red pepper, lemon, ginger, 2 green apples

Green Drink

Lunch:

Spinach, romaine, carrots, pumpkin seeds, avocado and home made dressing

Dinner was named above...

Day 22 The Day After Irene

Day 22 of my journey

I woke up feeling especially hungry today. From actual hunger? Anxiety from what might have happened when I was asleep? Jealousy of knowing I'd be making some of my favorite foods and not ingesting them?

Last night el husbando and I stayed up late watching Irene out of our window and ZElda barfed grass up a few times so I was up and down. And not the fun kind :-) My in laws have been here since Weds and it's been great having them but difficult to maintain my daily routines.

I have loved cooking big meals all week. It's strange but it's almost like eating it. I know that must sound stupid but spending so much time around it, smelling it and preparing it just does something for me. I guess it's food porn? Yes. I like that. But I know it's a slippery slope. I make something for me to eat but I keep my eyes on their plates, their forks so as to trick my brain into thinking that is what I'm actually consuming and not shredded Zucchini and spinach. I feel like when e.h and in-laws go out I could secretly eat and no one would know! Except me. I would know. I'll admit I've wanted to just slice off a SLIVER of cheese cake but I'm terrified. I don't want to make a less than healthy decision. It's not like I won't ever east cheesecake again just not now. Not TODAY.

I peed on the alkaline strip and I am completely dark blue. That felt good. Stanzi has been very supportive of me and I am so thankful for having her guidance. Living alkaline. Awesome

Today is Sunday and the day I used to weigh myself so I feel a bit obsessed about it right now. I think I will weigh myself on tues and then start up the weekly on Day 30.

Menu (all raw and/or juice)

breakfast juice:

Large bunch kale, celery, spinach, lemon, parsley, ginger and 1 apple

Lunch: Zucchini strips and spinach with dressing of Dates, lemon, olive oil and himalayn salt

Dinner: black beans,tomatoes, romaine, avocado, onion and carrots

Juice of kale, cucumber, lemon and apple

Day 21 3 full weeks! Suck it Irene!

Day 21 of 90

Hard to believe that today is 3 weeks I've been on my journey. I am not weighing myself because I weighed myself last Tues on Day 10 of Stanzi's Lusciously Clean Program and I want to go by the proper weeks from weight dates.

This night is supposed to be an historical one because of Hurricane Irene. Every store is closed in our neighborhood. No buses or train are running and hardly any cabs are out. It is an extremely unusual sight and feeling. We're on the top of a slope so to speak and across from the hospital and evacuation center. I wonder how many people are there right now?

My in laws are here and will be here longer than expected because of cancelled travel plans. I've been cooking for everyone and really enjoying it. I caught myself licking my fingers and wondered if that would affect me? I didn't even realize I was doing it. But every crumb, lick, slurp and taste adds up. It also makes temptation where there doesn't need to be.

I went to the market and stocked up for a few days and am hoping that things will be simmered down by tomorrow night.

Breakfast Juice:

Broccoli, apple, kale, spinach, celery, lemon , ginger, sprouts

Lunch salad avocado, spinach, pumpkin seeds, romaine, corn, red leaf

dressing of blended dates, olive oil, lemon and Himalayan salt

Dinner cauliflower curry soup

Green drink and lemon water

Day 20 Food=Fear

Day 20 of my journey

As many of you know NYC is on a severe hurricane watch. We're told to go out and buy water, nonperishable foods and batteries. I began to panic thinking about how I'd get my fresh veggies so I could juice! I thought to myself well if I HAVE to eat non fresh it's because nature made it so. Then I began thinking about people all over the world who live in this state DAILY. NO access to fresh produce, ever. And, if they do it's extremely pricey.

I began to feel blessed. Blessed that I have a choice to put the right things in my mouth and not have to eat just one bowl of rice and maybe a potato or tomato when I can. Blessed be the bountiful amount available to me on every corner. Apples, oranges, avocados, kale, carrots, you name it.

I become afraid of other "foods" burgers, pizza, bagels, crackers.. all the social tasty foods. Fear that it will poison my body. Fear that it will make me fat(ter). BUt mostly the fear that they will always have a hold over me.

I've decided to start listing everything that I'm eating so people can see just how much effort I'm putting into this life altering change.

Breakfast Juice

2 carrots, 1 apple,1 cup spinach, broccoli, 5 kale leaves, ginger, lemon, cucumber, fennel and sunflower sprouts

Lunch

Kale, spinach, romaine, pumpkin seeds, sprouts, 1/2 avocado and dressing made from almond butter, lemon, peppers and lemon juice

Dinner

Carrot/ginger soup made with sea salt, avocado, ginger and carrots (served cold)

In between are "Green Drinks" which are vegetable powder superfood drinks (will be doing reviews soon) as well as lemon water in the morning and evening. Sometimes I'll have a second juice if I'm particularly hungry or tired.

Day 19 WheW

Hey everybody.

I didn't write yesterday because I was still recovering from the day before. I can't talk about how thankful I am for your support. I was devastated and really needed to realign myself with what's important and that is feeling healthy and getting healthy. This is a new way of life. NOT a crash diet. I will make mistakes. I will fall off the wagon. And, it's o.k.

I have a disease. A disorder. An addiction and I need help. I am not afraid to ask. I am not afraid to admit it. However I am ashamed. Ashamed that things got so out of control. Ashamed that I denied the truth about my body. BUt mostly ashamed that I waited so long.

I did a show last night and a few of the girls said they noticed my body and face changing already. It felt good. It gave me inspiration. It also made me a bit embarrassed because they did notice. As if they didn't want to acknowledge how big I was before. I know this is my perception. My projection.

I went right back on track yesterday and feel good about the choices I've made yesterday and today and that's enough for me.

Day 17 WARNING: This is some personal stuff.

Day 17 of journey

Day 10 of Lusciously Clean

I recorded a video for today's entry. It is some serious shit I'm dealing with. Just a warning for those who like things breezy and positive. If you're looking for light hearted fare this entry ain't it. The video is 7 minutes and has some curse words. Also if you're grossed out by fat flesh look away. Please be respectful with any comments.

Day 17 I'm upset. Total 10 lbs lost.

Day 17 journey

Day 10 Lusciously Clean

I now weigh 204.6

I know I usually write in the evening but I am very upset this morning. I weighed myself and I am only down 3 lbs in the 10 days on Stanzi's program. I know I said I would try and not be upset but I can't help it. I know 3 lbs is ok. BUt in 10 days?!? I lost 7 in a week from just juicing! I had a feeling that my weight loss would be slower but it is less than 1/2 of what I did "on my own".

I know the food is healthy. I know you're supposed to lose weight slowly if you want to keep it off but I'm pissed. I feel like I could eat one crappy meal a day with whatever I wanted and still lose the same amount. It is supremely frustrating. I know I've said my health is the reason why I'm making this change but the weight loss is something I can see from the outside and the blood tests are what show me the inside.

Am I lying to myself? Is it just about weight loss? Why else am I SO angry?

I promise myself that in one week I WILL be out of the 200's.

Day 16 14 Carrot Gold

Day 16 of my journey

Day 9 of Lusciously Clean

Today was an interesting day. I desperately wanted to weigh myself but am waiting until tomorrow. I am trying not to be worried about it but it's hard. The in laws are coming in for 5 days on Weds and I'm trying to plan for cooking for them quite a few meals. "Regular" food as well as some of the recipes I've learned. It's always strange to have to bring it up when meal time arises with people. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to. I don't really because I can't hide my body size. Not everyone who drinks "looks like" an alcoholic. But over eaters can't hide it. I'm not talking bulimics or anorexics who use their disease to help hide their food abuse. Fat folks bodies don't lie! Heaping portions of Cracker Barrel goodness. Sedentary lifestyles with wide screen TV's and a stack of delivery menus. The American dream for so many.

I've decided to go in for a series of colonics as well to really root out some stuff! I spoke a bit about it yesterday but have made the decision to go for it.

Fall is right around the corner and I'm already thinking of how much more expensive juicing and eating raw will be when food seasons change. And how my body might be craving cooked foods. I'm coming up to the 3rd week mark and still feel like I'm just beginning. It took me awhile to get this unhealthy. It's going to take awhile to get it back.

I spoke with Stanzi today about where to go after I finish her 10 day program...

Day 15 Orange you glad you're sticking this out?

Day 15 on journey

Day 8 on Lusciously Clean

It's hard to believe I've past the two week mark! I was going to weigh myself today but wanted to wait until Day 10 of Stanzi's program to see what weight I've lost eating such delicious food. I'm a little nervous as I'd said before but this is NOT just about weight loss. It's about taking charge of my health. On many many levels. My blood pressure, cholesterol, colitis, arthritis and everything else needs to be checked.

I'm amazed at how much mental work and homework is involved in Stanzi's 10 day venture. A lot of the stuff is just what I've needed. Deep inquiries about why I eat, when I eat etc. I've been in therapy off and on for 20 years and have never had a focus on my food issues. BUt I always dreamed of a "therapists Island" where there is a therapist for each crazy part about you and you go there to get daily 5 hr therapy sessions, 2 hr massages, 2 hrs yoga and eat clean for two full weeks. For some a night mare. For me a blessing.

I am beginning to imagine what my life will be like when I'm healthy. I like what see.

Day 14 You beet me to it

day 14 on my journey

Day 7 on Lusciously Clean

Today was a good day. I was able to sleep in and after I woke up I took my little monkey doodle (my boston terrier) on a 2 hr walk in the park. It was great to get out in the day and feel the sun on my skin. Albeit hot and sweaty skin. I will be weighing myself tomorrow and am a little nervous that I haven't lost any weight. I have been eating so much (healthy recipes) and everything has been so delish that I can't imagine it's done anything for my weight. I know that's silly but that's the way I feel. I've always been afraid of avocados because you hear how they're high in calories but I've been having roughly one whole one a day. Sometimes two if recipes call for it. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

I have been thinking about meat a lot today. Especially chicken breast. Grilled chicken breast. Shredded chicken breast. Fried chicken breast. I don't know if it's because my taste buds are craving them or I am? Stanzi mentioned cravings would be persistent and I have to agree. I wonder if I'll eat it again? Or bread? Or cheese? Man some apricot stliton and waverly crackers sounds so good! How do we know what is right for us to eat? Do we ignore any desire for taste and just go for nutritional value? I obviously have a long way to go.

I've gotten some feedback about the audio of my videos and hope that I have rectified the problem. I've turned my mic up. Let me know if this one is any better...

Day 13 Lettuce bow our heads...

Day 13 of journey

Day 6 of Lusciously clean

What a day. It was the first day I'd gone to the studio (to record my radio segment Hip Hopera) in two weeks. The last time I was there I'd brought in leftover cupcakes from my Birthday party. It was amazing to me how many people said no. I remember thinking "Who doesn't like cupcakes?" It wasn't until today that I'd realized that a lot of people make an effort to stay trim. I don't think I've ever said no to a cupcake in my life! Unless it was Magnolias. I abhor buttercream frosting. If I wanted to have two pats of butter as icing I would! Blechhh

anyway... as I said it didn't register until tonight that some folks just say no.

I had a show at Coney Island tonight and fortunately there was a downpour so all the food stands were closed and I didn't have to pass that gastrointestinal gauntlet on my way to the theater! I brought my own food but deep down I was thinking Nathan's. Oh you don't know them? Um, only the world's greatest hot dogs and where the World Championship eating contest is held every 4th of July. Yes there are people who get paid to gorge themselves! It is hard to go to Coney and not get a dog there. I have a fellow performer friend who'd gone after I left and I joked that I wished I could smell her breathe.

The show was great and I felt fulfilled. I'd written a song for another performer and she nailed it. I like being successful. It feels great. On that note...

Day 12 Eat Sleep Repeat

Day 12 of journey

Day 5 of Lusciously Clean.

Today was a pretty good day. My husband appears to finally be coming out of the woods with his illness which is fantastic. I'm getting into the routine of waking up and having a juice right after my morning lemon water. It's a ritual that feels like I'm making coffee but it tastes a helluva lot different. Not better or worse, just different.

Today was a teaching day for me and it's always inspiring. It also reminds me that I need to make more of a concentrated effort on myself to achieve life goals I've always had. How the f is it that I'm not on Broadway yet? Um, because I don't audition that's why. There is a saying; "You will miss %100 of the opportunities you don't take" It is so true. I've used my weight as an excuse for the past 5 years. "Who will I play? The fat neighbor? The old lady? The hooker with a heart of gold?" I know i am so much more than that but my physical body reads otherwise. I want to do more, sing more, BE more.

I'm trying to follow Stanzi's menu plan as closely as possible and I honestly can't wait to try some of the recipes with some friends. It's awesome to know that I can make my own dressing which tastes waaaaay better than most store bought!

I have to admit something. I had a little bit of a binge tonight. I ate an apple with almond butter. A LOT of almond butter. Perhaps 1/2 a cup! I know that isn't a lot so before you jump on my ass for being cray cray over something "healthy" one of the things I do is binge eat. Whether it's apples or chicken wings! Tonight was the first night in the 11 days that I felt I lost control. I wanted to continue to eat. But unlike times before my stomach literally could not take it so I had to stop. Let me make myself clear. I did not want to stop! I wanted to eat and eat and eat. Filling a void as so many would say but I haven't figured out what that void is. I have so much and am grateful for everything that I can't seem to even allow myself to think I;d have something to feel a void over. Does that make sense?

I need to head off to sleep now. Speaking of...

Day 11 Now is the edge that "needs to be taken off"

Day 10 or journey

Day 4 of LC

Tonight is the second time I'm posting after midnight. It's almost 2 am now. I just got home from doing a show at Coney Island. An Elvis tribute show. It was a great evening but I was a bit distracted. All day long I've been pissy, angry, bitter and resentful. I am really struggling with this process. I want to eat meat. I want a piece of cheese. I want a cappuccino with a warm croissant. I KNOW I can have whatever I want. But at a price.

This is very, very hard. When I stop to think of how much I quit at once it blows me away. I love every delicious recipe Stanzi has given me but feeling satisfaction from fruits, veggies is something I don't understand yet. Nor does my body. I never believed before how "you know man, like they put chemicals into fast food man and other products so, you like, crave them more man and become addicted to those flavor sensations". That voice sounded a little hippie-ish. Hmm. Sarcasm as a way of expressing anger? Could be.

I know %100 that it is in my minds power to know what's right but when you're body craves something over your mind, it's, well, it's like a drug. I spoke to Stanzi on the phone today and basically broke down. Doing the whole "why me" thing. Why me? Because I had terrible food influences as a child. Because I've tried every diet there is. (Atkins was my favorite! Pork rind nachos anyone?) Because I always want "Happy Birthday Tummy" (you know that excitement from getting to have chips, soda, cake and whatever else was served up as party food and you left slight belly ache but remembering all the wonderful things you ate!) Because , because because. Who gives a shit? I ask myself. It is what it is. Quit acting like a pussy and suck it up! Strange how that word is slang for weak since women give birth from them and that some powerful stuff right there... Anyway..

I wanted to put a video up tonight but I am too tired from a very long day and a little sad too.

I fight between what's right for me and what feels good. But then again, don't we all?

Day 10 BREATHE

Day 10 of 90 and day 3 of 10 on "Lusciously Clean".

I get an email every day with a positive message and tip and today's was "Breathe". She gave me a few exercises as well as a general reminder to breathe when I eat. What a concept. I hardly ever think let alone breathe when I eat. I'm too busy FEELING. Feeling joy, feeling content, feeling sad that what I've eaten is gone.

I wasn't able to eat everything today that was on the meal plan as I felt a little nauseous. I don't know if it's because my husband is still suffering from food poisoning or what but I felt out of it and gross inside most of the day. I'm definitely eliminating a lot. I also noticed that my knees and toe joints get randomly painful. Is this a way of working out toxins? My hips aren't as achey and my colitis has been smooth sailing.

Sleep in unbelievable now. I want so much of it but honestly I feel better in the morning than I did when I drank coffee (6 cups a day!) when I awoke.

Riding around on my bike today there were so many temptations. On every corner. Alcoholics must see how easily available booze is because I know I see it with food. Signs. Trucks with signs. Restaurant front, food carts, people walking by with slices of pizza dripping down their arms. The only kind of food consumption I get grossed out by is either someone really overweight chowing (and I mean CHOWing down) on food that drops all over themselves or kids. That's right. Kids are disgusting when they eat! Of course babies can't help themselves but slobbery zwieback cookies are the WORST! I also want to vomit when a Mom then takes the food/cookie from said baby/toddler and then eats it herself! Gross. I have no children so I guess I have no clue but I think picking your kids nose is more tolerable than eating their nasty drooly cookies.

I wanted to talk a little about one of Stanzi's Daily tips... hear it is...

Day 9: Peeing on a strip of paper

Today was a curious day.

Day 9 of my journey and day 2 of my program "Lusciously Clean 10 Day Detox"

It was the first day since I gave up EVERYTHING that I've had such outrageous flavors!

It sounds strange to me to say this but I swear every single thing I've had on Stanzi's 10 day program "Lusciously Clean " menu has been insanely tasty and I think I honestly wanted them to be crappy so I'd have a reason to rebel against it. It was freaking delish! Eating raw is exciting! Well, it's more exciting than only juicing. Wait that sounded snarky and I didn't mean for it to be. It's just that my mind is still thinking about that damn #6!!

I had a chocolate flavored "superfood green drink" and I think that might have triggered that "let's eat a lot just because that stuff is tasty!" sensation in me. Stanzi told me that if I'm craving fat eat some. Just healthy fat. "Fat doesn't make you fat" she said but my mind doesn't want to accept that and it almost sounded a bit like "guns don't kill people, people kill people" but I have to admit that my brain patterns around food are warped.

As of today I want fat fat. Like french fries or corn chips and cheese. Will my brain ever switch over permanently to wanting only healthy choices? That would rock!

The "soups" are actually cold because they're raw. I had one today that was super yummy but my brain kept saying "I'm sorry tomato/basil flavors are hot, wtf is this?" a savory smoothie as it were. It's the same way if someone offered me a hot lemonade. No wait, they have that don't they? With whiskey or something? Anyway... I guess a cold hot chocolate. No, that's delicious too! Acck. Let's just say it's a strange feeling to eat savory cold. Unless of course it's cold pizza...

I found out why Stanzi had wanted me to get the Blood ph levels from my doctor although he'd said in his opinion they weren't necessary. It's all about the balance of cells. Check it out...

7 lbs in 7 days of Juicing Day and 1 Vitality Ventures Cleanse

Well today was the 8th day of my journey.

I weighed myself this morning. 207. I've lost 7lbs in 7 days. Incredible!

I feel like I'm on the Biggest Loser or something! It's nice to have something that I can SEE is making me healthier. I'm taking the blood tests every month but that's four weeks apart. I can't stress enough that this is about my journey to become healthy inside and losing the weight is a by product. A great one, but nonetheless secondary as the motivation to change my food intake process.

I was very happy to start Stanzi's 10 day plan today because I can actually eat the vegetables and not just juice them. That must be why today was a rough. I experienced headaches, nausea and lots of evacuation but no barfing which is awesome! I am surprised at how I am having phantom cramping. My period isn't due anytime soon but I feel rumblings in mah lady parts! I can't tell if it's my bladder working overtime from all the water and peeing but those parts are painful. My face is breaking out even worse now and I have developed a rash on my jawline. I don't feel pretty at all.

We had a dinner long scheduled date with friends who are meat lovers and great cooks. After a few email rounds of "what can you eat?" we settled on the fact that I would be bringing my own food and they'd make what they'd originally planned for el husbando and I. They made a delicious lemon scampi as an app and scrumptious lamb sliders with home made yogurt sauce and grilled veggies. Dessert was a lemon bundt cake with home made blueberry ice cream! I honestly can say that I didn't feel deprived at all. The food looked amazing but somehow in my mind I knew that I'd be able to eat that way again at some point in my life. Just not tonight. They were gracious and we had a fantastic evening of good conversation and great stories.

It's unusual for folks to have an adult conversation about food addictions in such a casual manner but it can be done. With honesty. It's only shameful if you hide. For so many things in life!

It's been one week

What a day! So much information. Stanzi came over today and unveiled her program for me. It starts with a 10 day detox menu containing some things that I've not had this past week at all. Like almond butter. All raw foods. She informed me that by giving up EVERYTHING at once it sent my body into extreme shock. That 's why the vomiting, vertigo, diarrhea and fatigue hit me so quickly.

It's shocking how fast the body goes into action isn't it? It almost seems "too good to be true" and you know what they say about that. But this seems different for some reason. Hippocrates said "If we could give every individual the right amount of nourishment and exercise, not too little and not too much, we would have found the safest way to health." I think by wiping my slate clean I can finally see what is right for me in the "real world". I know I'm on somewhat of a high right now because I'm completing my first week. It's new, fresh, the beginning.

Since I'll only be doing be my blood tests every month I'm excited to see results on the scale. I haven't weighed myself since last week. I am not doing this to lose weight exclusively but INclusively. Inclusive of working on my psychological issues with food like why do I become furious that my husband (men) can eat more servings than me? It seems an injustice. Yet another thing women have to deal with versus men. Not that food issues are sexist mind you, not at all, there are plenty of pot bellies on men! But those we know are worshipped. Santa, Buddha and let's not forget Homer Simpson. You get the point. I've always been mad that they have a resident fat guy on SNL every season but they've never had a fat woman. EVER.

Stanzi came and went through the kitchen pointing out good choices and not so good choices of "food" we currently had in the cupboards. El husbando isn't following this program with me so we kept everything and most of the stuff was high in sodium but pretty good otherwise. I can't believe I haven't had salt in a week! Or sugar. Or flour. Or Dairy. Or meat. Just fresh fruits and vegetables and mostly juicing.

The next 10 days will be to adjust the alkaline in my body (thus the PH strips Stanzi asked me about) and I'll be doing a 70/30 raw food/juicing. Stanzi informed me that this is important to get the body in balance. High acids make it harder for the body to process things and it causes the organs to store bad cells etc... The juicing and raw foods provide the micro nutrients for speedy healing. Having more fiber by eating more of the raw foods will help flush out my colon (see ya later polyps!) and make the juicing after the 10 Day program easier on my body.

Tomorrow will mark the second week of my journey and I've a lot planned. I will be doing a daily 2 minute video about my experience as a thank you for Stanzi's help and as a testimonial of the 10 day program. I'll make choices for the next step when we get closer.

I have another show tonight and it's a late one. I've been sleeping 8-10 hrs a day. Not drinking coffee removes that quick pick me up before a late night. So does not doing lines of cocaine but one clearly seems a bit more drastic doesn't it.